Lucid I - random thoughts from a Canadian

An Update on my Seasonal Affective Disorder

2012-01-18T17:32:00.005-05:00

Greetings all,

I've done a bit of experimenting with pills and what not. I have tried Valkee earlier in the season and didn't find it helped. I joined an email group and an online forum for SAD sufferers so that has been helpful.

I got a lux meter to measure the strength of my light box as someone recommended this. I bought one on ebay and there was a delay in the shipping but I received last week and tested out my light box. I never liked my light box and it actually was not testing up to what it was supposed to be. For a light box to be effective, you have to have it emit 10,000 lux. Mine was emitting this, at 5 inches. I sit 20" from it and this was as close as I could comfortably sit from it. I would use it at breakfast so if I had it any closer, it would not be comfortable. At 20" it only emits 4000 lux which means I would have to sit in front of it for an hour to be effective, which clearly is not good. I have stopped using it since I returned from my trip.

Someone else recommended an infrared ceramic heater and just sitting it front of it daily for 20 minutes. They recommended trying an infrared sauna to see if that boosts your mood. I tried infrared saunas years ago and was not sure if it helped my SAD but I did like how saunas help you detox. Years ago I did want a sauna for myself but all I found were wooden ones. I ended up looking at ebay and noticed they had portable saunas so I decided to buy one. I wanted to use it for detox purpose but we'll see if it helps with my SAD. Apparently the infrared produces tetrahydrobiopterin (BH4) which is used to make serotonin. I may need to use it daily or every other day but we'll see how it goes. If it doesn't help with the SAD I'll still enjoy it for the detox purpose.

I was using fish oil which I said made me feel good but that only seemed to last for a few days and then I went back to feeling sleepy and tired. I do think I will continue to take fish oil because I don't eat fish and I probably don't get all of my daily omega 3. I bought flax oil but then found out that while it is high in omega 3, not the DHA and EPA of fish oil but of the ALA type. ALA can convert to the other 2 types of omega 3 but it is not efficient about it. I still want to try some flax and see how I like it. I might switch to fish oil pills in the future.

I also take vitamin d but never noticed much. I've considered modifying my diet but I am set in my ways. My dad has diabetes so I think by the time I hit my 40s, I should cut back on sugar but I love chocolate!

I have been experimenting with the supplement 5htp, which is an amino acid that is a precursor to serotonin. I started to take it when I came back from my vacation and I bought pills that were 100mg. I took it just before bed and I had a hard time waking up at a normal time and would sleep until noon. For me this was not normal since normally I get up by 8.

I thought maybe I need to start at 50mg. After a week, I stopped taking them and then I noticed my sleepiness would return and I would begin to yawn during the day time hours. Many would say that this is common but not for me. And it was numerous yawning and feeling tired. In the spring and summer time, I would be fine in the day and not feel tired. I might feel a bit tired but with SAD, it's more tired and sleep doesn't remedy the situation. I think many people don't get how serious and difficult this is to have. It's chronic tiredness and less energy then the rest of the year. We've all felt tired but usually a good night's sleep does the trick. With SAD it is ongoing.

So I did noticed once I stopped 5htp that it was having an effect on me, but just with some negative side effects i.e. sleeping in. I decided to cut back to 50mg and I still had trouble getting out of bed but not as bad. I decided to take it earlier in the day so that was better for me.

I am glad that 5htp has had a positive effect on my system. Nothing more frustrating then feeling tired for half the year. I will be seeing my doctor next week and tell her what I am doing. I also read that you can slowly increase your dosage. Not sure if I really need to but I guess I can take the full 100mg since my system seems to have adjusted to it.

Hello 2012!

2012-01-11T16:12:00.002-05:00

Greetings all,

I think for me the highlight of 2011 was getting rid of my gumball machine business in the fall. It wasn't that I got a job (that ended up terminating at the end of the year) or that I went to Mexico and got my Open Water SCUBA certificate and saw some Mayan Ruins or that I have been dating a man for the past 4 months. I've had this part time business since 2003 and hated the business right away but I stuck it out for years and for probably the past 5 years I've been wanting to sell them and get rid of them.

Getting rid of them and closing this business was the highlight because it was such a burden to be in charge of this business. It wasn't hard to do. It was just a burden mentally because I didn't get out of it what I thought I would and it was hard to get out of it. I couldn't just quit owning these machines because I had them in location and it took effort to find locations and just get started.

I think my dad likes to think I never should have done this but I feel that I learned something from this. I think it helped give me some sense that starting a business requires.

I definitely think I am one of these people that just likes to get things done. I don't want to spend too much time analyzing. I think I learned that the people selling me the machines, obviously want to paint their product in the best light. I didn't make as much money as they said the machines would make but maybe I needed to spend more money in finding the best locations. (I used a locator to find them for me).

I don't think I'd do something like this again but I did think I learned from it so to me it wasn't a wasted venture.

I feel lighter and it's less unwanted baggage. I think once I finish my income tax for last year and finish up with my bookkeeping for the gumballs, that will be the final nail on the coffin.

Down Sized

2012-01-11T15:57:00.002-05:00

Greetings all,

Some of us - 3 to be exact - at work were notified back in December that we were being let go and unfortunately I was one of them. This is the 3rd time in 4 years I have been let go from a job because of being downsized. I wasn't happy at first and probably am still not but I've learned to not react and move on. My birthday is this Friday and so this will be my 3rd birthday in 4 years where I have no job. I just don't know anyone that has been laid off as much as me. I seem to have the worst job karma out there it seems!

I actually had booked a vacation to Mexico and they notified us the week before I was going so I didn't appreciate that. I really needed to go on a real vacation so I am glad I went and booked things.

I started updating my Resume so tomorrow I will job hunt. I had planned to go to school part time and I think I will stay with that. I might go full time in the fall.
I was planning to take economics and some math courses but I need to retake calculus so I will have to take some night classes for adults.

I hope 2012 things get better for me. Financially things have been bad for me these past 4 years but I make the best of things.

Tax Refund Spam

2011-12-10T18:33:00.004-05:00

Greetings all,

I regularly get spam like everyone else. I have a gmail account so pretty much all spam goes into its own folder which I don't have to deal with. I do review them when deleting them to make sure some legitimate emails do not get put in the wrong folder.

Today I got an email from someone who claimed they were from the Canada Revenue Agency, the taxman for Canadians. It claimed I had a form to fill out so I could get my refund of fifty some odd dollars. I knew it was a scam but filled out the form for fun. Please see below for my response.

To learn more about these scams visit the following links:
http://www.itworldcanada.com/news/canadians-duped-by-tax-refund-scam/108709
http://www.hoax-slayer.com/canadian-tax-refund-scam-emails.shtml

It's pretty sad that there are people out there that try to screw over people and do so with intent.

The Direction Whisperer

2011-11-13T17:41:00.001-05:00

Greetings all,

I have decided to name myself The Direction Whisperer among my other names such as Meandering Falls, Dances with Ikea Furniture and my favourite Your Royal Awesomeness.

Now there is a reason for why I have chosen to name myself as such.

I have encountered many times in Toronto where people ask me for directions. For whatever reason, people like to approach me and ask for directions. I happen to be good at it since I am geographically inclined and I always keep a compass on me so I always know where magnetic North is. I, by the way, am not a native Torontonian as I am a long time Hamiltonian.

Back in October of this year I had noticed more and more people were coming up to me asking for directions when I would go outside for my breaks at work. I tend to walk around my area as I need to get away from my computer and get somewhat fresher air and exercise. I work in the University and Dundas area.

I would have someone asking me where the Embassy was. I didn't know but I asked for the address and said it was across the street and he found the place.

One week I had up to 4 people asking me for directions. I was walking down to my office and was part of a large crowd of people who just got off the subway and one woman comes from behind me and asks if she was going the right way and I asked for the address and told her where. Another time that week I was just browsing through a store, eating an apple. The clerk didn't want me to dirty clothes so she offered me a tissue. I declined and ended up leaving because I could tell she was paranoid that I'd ruin the clothes, even though I was very careful. I walked around the block and some woman came from a building and asked me which way was Dundas and I pointed to the street and kept on enjoying my apple. If I didn't leave that store at the moment that I did, I never would have been able to give directions to that woman. I am just in tune with those who are lost and directionally challenged and in need of direction.

Even when I didn't know where the place the person was looking for, I happened to be with someone who knew. I was with a co-worker and one day we were going the Market that occurs at City Hall. This person needed to see some doctor on a street I never heard of but my co-worker knew. I was just the conduit that day.

I just decided to simply name myself The Direction Whisperer. I guide the lost and directionally challenged in Toronto and ensure they get to their destination. I humbly embrace my new calling.

Stop Online Spying

2011-11-06T09:49:00.002-05:00

Please sign the epetition to stop Online Spying.

The government is trying to push through an anti-Internet set of electronic surveillance laws that will invade your privacy and cost you money. These bills will force every big Internet provider to monitor, record and surrender our personal information to "authorities" without a warrant.

If these bills pass a range of "authorities" will have the ability to invade the private lives of law-abiding Canadians and our families using wired Internet and mobile devices, and the cost of those millions of dollars of spying technology will be passed down to YOU.

This bizarre legislation will create Internet surveillance that is:

Warrantless: A range of "authorities" will have the ability to invade the private lives of law-abiding Canadians and our families using wired Internet and mobile devices, without justification.
Invasive: The laws leave our personal and financial information less secure and more susceptible to cybercrime.
Costly: Internet services providers may be forced to install millions of dollars worth of spying technology and the cost will be passed down to YOU.

If enough of us speak out now the government will have no choice but to stop this mandatory online spying scheme.

If enough of us speak out now the Government will have no choice but to stop this mandatory online spying scheme. Sign the Stop Online Spying petition now.

Goodbye Gumballs!

2011-10-29T22:07:00.004-04:00

Greetings all,

I have written a few times about a gumball machine business I owned and that last year I had begun the steps to close it down.

Well this week I officially have put this beast to rest and all I have to do is just put together my final book keeping for income tax purposes for next year.

Last year in August I managed to take out all the machines in Hamilton. I had a few in Burlington and for some reason I thought it was best to find a job and then I can finish with getting the machines out in Burlington.

I got them out a few weekends ago and I thought I should have done this when I had more free time, when I was out of work. It took 2 weekends to sort out everything because I began disassembling the gumball machines the first weekend. I had my parents and brother empty out the sand in the stands as I put sand in them to give it weight. I initially emptied one stand but found it difficult. The sand was damp so my dad thought it would be best to let it air dry so I think it made it easier for my family to empty them.

The following weekend I got the other machines in Burlington out. Altogether I had 17 machines, which means I had 8 missing over the years that I didn't replace since I was no longer interested in the business. I found out that one of the machines I placed in a mechanic shop in Burlington wasn't there so that was annoying. I just don't know why people don't notify you of these things.

I had my mother take the metal portions of the gumball machines to a metal scrap company and I got $47 out of it. I was hoping to scrap my plastic parts and get some money out of it. The globe was made of polycarbonate and the stand was made of polyethelene. I had my mom contact a few places in Hamilton but only one was in business and they don't give money. I called a couple of places in my area and one place said that they only accept plastic at the minimum of 10,000 lbs. My stands weighed 9.3 lbs so the weight in total would be well under 200lb and not accepted.

We decided the best option was to go with the company in Hamilton to dump the scrap. Unfortunately my parent's useless Cadillac would have to make 3 trips to get all the globes and stands out so they got them to pick up the plastic for $15.

I was upset about this because I wanted some money out of the plastic. Maybe I could have called a few more plastic companies but I figure they are all the same.

I was sad about how things turned out. I had a dream that night that a woman was going to start her own gumball machine business and I was giving her advice. I told her it's important to have passion for what you do. I told her that some locations do better then others so if you have one in a poor location, to relocate it and you do better if you were the type of person who didn't mind making cold calls. I had someone find me locations but that cost money. If I were more extroverted, I probably would have made calls but I had alot of fear and lack of skill in this area.

* * *
I also had to put an end to another business endeavor which didn't end favourably for me which I wrote about years ago. In that post I briefly discussed how I purchased those point-of-sale machines back in 2003. The company became public and the monthly money I was getting got converted into shares. I had noticed some time ago that their stock was no longer viewable on the TSX and so I eventually found out that their company was private and that I was forced to cash in my shares. I have to look into this because I didn't know that a public company can become private. I went yesterday to fill out the forms to claim my shares. I won't get much money back. I did all the right things and this was a business that went well until they became public. It's hard to not get upset about the loss. My attempts to improve my life financially didn't seem to go in my favour.

I decided that I'll put whatever money that comes to me from that company into my RSP so that I can use it for a down payment for a house as I have learned that first time home owners can take out money and pay it back in 15 years with no interest.

* * *
I don't know if I'm over these failed business endeavors. I do know that I need to move on and learn from these experiences and hopefully prosper and make better decisions.

Time to Say Good Bye!

2011-10-29T20:58:00.004-04:00

Greetings all,

I have been mulling this over in my mind for a while now. I have not been doing stand up comedy very often these past few months, mainly because this year I was stressed about not having work and focusing on that. Once I found a job, I wasn't really doing much shows.

I decided officially it's time to say goodbye to stand up and to improv. I have met many interesting and funny people but I just don't think I have what it takes to become professional, which was something I was hoping for.

A few years ago I kept seeing myself on stage, alone and it took me months before I found the courage to try stand up again. I did stand up at my high school talent show and had a hard time with it, even though I did well. I began doing improv and loved it and it helped me to gain confidence as a performer.

For whatever reason, I just feel like I just don't have what it takes. I realize it takes dedication to become at the level I had envisioned myself at and frankly I just don't think I have that dedication. I don't know if I ever will. I thought comedy was a lover I was devoted to but my experience has made me think otherwise. I am very dedicated to my kundalini yoga and meditation practice so I know I have a capacity for commitment and discipline but right now I cannot devote that attention to it as it was quite hard for me. Some days it's hard and I just think it's time to move on. Maybe in a few years time I'll want to try it again but I have lost all motivation to perform and I'm okay with that.

I have always felt conflicted as a stand up person mainly because improv is my background. I liked being spontaneous in improv but liked that in stand up I could express my own ideas and opinions. Stand up obviously requires good writing skills and an ability to stick to some routine, which for me was hard. I could not reconcile within myself these two components of my personality that I have - the spontaneous performer versus the writing stand up performer. Improv gaves me a certain satisfaction that stand up doesn't provide and vice versa, mainly because they are different forms.

I do believe that if something were meant to happen it will and right now my motivation is not there and I'm okay with that. I have other things that I want to focus my attention on. Comedy, whether through improv, humour columns or stand up has always been a part of my life. It will be sad to not have this in my life but that's how it goes.

Stand up seems very individual driven and I do like that to some degree as that's why I wanted to go back to it after many years of improv experience. It also seems like a hostile environment for women, although there has been a movement towards having more women involved as I took a few workshops just for female performers.

I think I as well had challenges connecting with my audience and rejection is difficult to accept on a regular basis. I don't think I was unfunny but at times I felt like people just didn't get it. I guess this is what doing open mics can do to you because the occasional shows that I did that had a more positive audience and not filled with other comics I felt good about.

Maybe I am an open mic burnout or just had enough of stand up? Who knows but I am done with it in my mind and we'll see if I ever feel drawn to perform again. I do tend to follow my intuition so maybe this is a blessing for me and to take a step back and refocus my priorities.

Winter Time

2011-10-24T21:45:00.003-04:00

Greetings all,

I decided to email Old Man Winter last week because I was missing him and seriously wondering if I was being too premature in dumping him. We talked on the phone for a while on Thursday and then went out for dinner on Friday. It looks like we are back together. He does have some traits that I don't particularly care for but at this point it is tolerable. I am not sure where this will go but I will give him a chance and see what happens. I normally don't like to take someone back because people who are on again/off again are annoying.

I've asked myself if I'm just missing him because I miss sex but I don't think so. We spent a significant time not having sex and so I think I actually enjoy his presence and company.

I know I've expressed doubts about this and perhaps it won't work out but I think I have to give this a try and see where it goes.

Seasonal Affective Disorder

2011-10-24T18:17:00.005-04:00

Greetings all,

After reading about Seasonal Affective Disorder on Wikipedia and talking to a friend who has tried fish oil that contains omega 3, I decided that I would try Fish oil that contains omega 3. The reason being is that I have Seasonal Affective Disorder and according to Wiki:

Winter depression is a common slump in the mood of some inhabitants of most of the Nordic countries. It was first described by the 6th century Goth scholar Jordanes in his Getica wherein he described the inhabitants of Scandza (Scandinavia). Iceland, however, seems to be an exception. A study of more than 2000 people there found the prevalence of seasonal affective disorder and seasonal changes in anxiety and depression to be unexpectedly low in both sexes. The study's authors suggested that propensity for SAD may differ due to some genetic factor within the Icelandic population. A study of Canadians of wholly Icelandic descent also showed low levels of SAD. It has more recently been suggested that this may be attributed to the large amount of fish traditionally eaten by Icelandic people, in 2007 about 90 kilograms per person per year as opposed to about 24 kg in the US and Canada, rather than to genetic predisposition; a similar anomaly is noted in Japan, where annual fish consumption in recent years averages about 60 kg per capita. Fish are high in vitamin D. Fish also contain docosahexaenoic acid (DHA), which has been shown to help with a variety of neurological dysfunctions

I've tried various things with little luck. I've taken Vitamin D, I've exercised and I've used a light box. I would still feel tired and my energy low. I didn't have my liveliness either. Considering that I don't eat fish at all as I am a fussy eater. The only fish I eat is a tuna and anchovy spread my mom makes that you use on crackers. And that I eat sporadically. I thought I'd try some fish oil to see if there is any positive effect on my system.

I went to briefly see a Naturopath last week who said that a Homeopathic remedy would be used. I looked into that and found one online which I ordered. If it doesn't help me I will probably see the Naturopath to get one that is more taylored for me rather then a general formula.

I have been on the Fish oil since Thursday so in the 5 days I do feel better and I think this has improved my symptoms a lot.

I also have been using a product that I had shipped to where my parents were staying when they were in Italy as they don't ship to Canada. The product is called Valkee. It basically is like a light box but you put into your ears as it's been on the theory that your brain can receive light not just through the eyes (as that's how the light box delivers it) but also through the ears. I've been using it for about a month now. It helps a bit but is still not enough. It helps me yawn less but it didn't help with my energy levels. It's certainly better to use then a light box as I hated having to sit in front of the light box for 30 minutes in the morning. I use it for 6 minutes twice a day.

The fish oil I have contains 800mg of EPA and 500mg of DHA so I am taking a very potent amount. I have Vitamin D that has some EPA and DHA, 42 and 50 respectively but that is not enough. We'll see how I feel by the end of the week and I'll see how my energy levels are. I may stop using my Valkee maybe next week to see if the fish oil alone is enough. By next week I should get that homeopathic remedy.

I felt really bad last year by December 21. Having SAD has and is a horrible experience. My energy levels were so low and there is a feeling of heaviness and mild depression. I would motivate myself to do things but they just seemed so much more difficult because of this problem and that in and of itself just made me feel bad because it would drag me down more. Two years ago my symptoms appeared by mid October and last until March. Last year and this year it started in mid September. It lasted until April I think and it seems like it has gotten worse.

I've had this problem for 6 years now. I had went to see my doctor 2 years ago about this problem initially and then again last year. She had me take a sleep study test and I had spoken to a counsellor who said I had mild depression. The doctor also tested my thyroid and vitamin D levels and for the most part I was normal. I knew I had SAD but they had to rule out this things.

I didn't want to be on anti depression meds because I was thinking there has to be a better way. So I'll see how the rest of the week pans out for me with the use of the fish oil. The fish oil I think has helped a lot.

Occupy Toronto!

2011-10-16T18:22:00.004-04:00

Greetings all,

I decided to participate in the Occupy Toronto movement that is part of the Occupy Wall St. This was my first protest and it was interesting. My friend has been following this so that's how I learned about it. She actually went to New York to observe and film what was going on there.

A couple of us were there and when we started to march to the location from King and Bay, I ended up getting disoriented and lost my sense of direction. There was so many people and it was easy to lose track of where we were in the city. I didn't make a sign but I wanted to be there.

It was interesting to read what some newspapers have been saying about this movement. Many criticisms going on and I think it goes to show that they just don't get it.

I probably won't camp out since I have a job and really don't want to take time off work. I may camp on a weekend but it's a bit too cold and I think I can just visit. Camping is not really my thing.

I've always wanted to see some sort of movement and protesting going on in this country. Canadians seem so docile. We should be more like the French who protest all the time. For me it was interesting to be a part of something bigger where we all understand that something is wrong with the way things are in the world and we are at least expressing our dissatisfaction.

I don't know what this will lead to but it's interesting that it has spread across other countries. America has quite the influence but at the same time, something like this spreads because there is some sort of unsatisfaction and frustrated with the external world.

Many people came together for many different reasons. It appears Adbusters is the one who initiated this so it does make me a little suspicious of their motives. My friend seems to think the issue is really the banks. I think it's a bunch of things like the banks, the government and corporations. There was some anti rich sentiment but I don't think it necessarily means they are against people with money.

It will be interesting to see how things unfold. I'm on their Facebook group and you can see how hostile people can be towards each other. It's just a microcosm of the macrocosm as there will be people not agreeing and having different opinions.

I should hope some change comes to the world. I have done my inner work and I do wonder if people use this as a distraction from working on themself. It might feel better to make corporate greed a scapegoat. But then you can still be happy and just are genuinely opposed to their behaviour.

I can still hear reverberating in my body the words of the crowd "we are the 99%" and "we want justice".

2011-10-09T12:56:00.003-04:00

Greetings all,

The other thing with Old Man Winter is that I didn't feel comfortable calling him my boyfriend. I would think after 2 months of dating, I should feel comfortable but for some reason, I just couldn't do it so it didn't make sense to keep dating.

Since we are in the same social circle, I saw him yesterday as our group went for a hike and we chatted about why I ended things. He seemed upset about it, which I'm not really used to seeing in a man. I told him the reasons and it just seemed like this week, he pissed me off with these minor annoyances.

Since I'm looking for something long term, I just don't see it going anywhere so why keep dating? I think he might have taken it a bit personally but for me I just think it was time to move on and yes I'll miss the good sex but I think I'm just looking for something long term.

I want to be with a man that I feel proud to declare he's my boyfriend and for whatever reason I just couldn't do it with him. I think that he and I both deserve better and it's really just a case of being mismatched and always best to not take it personally.

Ciao Old Man

2011-10-08T12:17:00.004-04:00

Greetings all,

I ended up ending things with Old Man Winter. We have been dating for 2 months. I had been wanting to go away to Vermont for Thanksgiving weekend, which is this weekend. He didn't tell me until Monday that he had his son for this weekend (He had him last weekend and normally gets him every other weekend) I was upset about this because I really wanted to get out of this country because I haven't been travelling with much, considering I was out of work again. I couldn't shake off the anger and disappointment I felt over this. Normallly I can move on with things but the fact that I couldn't get over it means it was probably time to move on.

There have been a couple of things going on that have bothered me and although I didn't plan to end things with him last night - I did.

I say 'I guess' a lot in conversation. Some of my friends don't like it but that's how I am. I'm not going to change for anyone. I try to accept people for who they are and don't try to change them so I especially don't like how he'd bring it up a lot. It was like he couldn't tell if I meant no or yes. Usually it means yes. The other night he was bugging me about in conversation and I snapped and said that if you want a cheerleader, go out and date one as that's not how I roll.

I'm part choleric and part melancholic. So I'm not always going to be upbeat about things all the time. I'm not always going to be filled with enthusiasm. If you can't accept me for how I am, I just don't care anymore.

The other thing I was thinking was that he should be well ahead of time of when he gets his son and he seems like he's on the fly with it sometimes. I would think that you should have your schedule worked out a few months in advance and if it's been agreed that holidays are treated differently, you should know well ahead of time when you get him. I like to plan things and I'm already thinking about early retirement so I can't be with someone who's a little flakey when it comes to being organized.

I did wonder if I made a mistake and was being too quick but sometimes these things just get worse instead of getting better and sometimes you just need to nip things in the bud.

I sometimes feel like I am destined for spinsterhood. I hope not. I want to start my own family soon.

I knew this going in but I was skeptical about dating a man with a child. I thought I'd give him a chance since I felt attracted to him for so long. I guess it's okay if things don't work out but I do hope to find someone. I am just not sure if I want to try dating again. I just get so frustrated with the process and it takes so much out of me, the rejection and disappointment. Why bother with love and its search? I can take care of myself.

Death and Meditation

2011-09-22T19:20:00.002-04:00

Greetings all,

Lately during meditation, I have observed that I am feeling this fear of death. I almost feel panicky. I'm not sure if it's an ego death that I am feeling or more so the fear of the death of the physical body. Various thoughts come up about death and dying and it obviously freaks me out. Lately I've been experiencing more of these feelings but then they pass.

I'm not really at the point where I am fearless towards death because I don't know at this point if death is really the end. I know we all talk about how the spirit never dies but I think this is sort of what I am experiencing at times - the fear that this is it.

Obviously I need to keep at my practice and see where this takes me and work with confronting the fears about death that come up but I do wonder if others have experienced this same fear about death. I almost feel alone in this but I'm sure on some level, we all think about death and ignore our fears about it.

Pubes

2011-09-18T18:17:00.002-04:00

Greetings all,

I purchased last month a product for maintaining your pubic hair. I was thinking that there has to be some product that trims this area. My current method of womanscaping involved using scissors. Now I didn't cut myself, it was just a way to trim them and I thought it was an okay method.

I decided to do some online research and came across the following review of a trimmer. I ended up purchasing this product so now I'll be leaving my opinion on it.

I like the Ladyfair trimmer. I thought it trimmed the area fairly closely and did it quickly. It was a bit shocking for me to see all that hair gone. It was like being pre-pubes and it was a little awkward. I didn't care for the Body Bare buffer, which supposedly is to smooth out your area after you've used the trimmer. You cannot use it unless you've trimmed the area. I didn't really notice that it made that area smoother so I don't recommend that.

My current man does not like the all shaved look so I let grow out. It's obviously better then using the scissors so I can go longer without womanscaping.

Old Man Winter

2011-09-17T18:42:00.005-04:00

Greetings all,

I have mentioned I am dating a guy in my meetup group. I found out he is not 10 years older then me but is actually 10.5 years older then me. That half a year makes a difference!

I've nicknamed him Old Man Winter because he has pre-mature grey. The one thing that bothers me when we are out in public is when we engage in PDA. I generally feel a bit uncomfortable holding his hand or kissing him mainly because he looks older then his age. He is 43 and I think he looks like he is in his early 50s or late 40s. I am 32 and tend to look younger. People think I am in my mid 20s. So obviously this looks awkward in my public. Normally I don't care what people think but being publicly affectionate with him makes me uncomfortable. I don't want people to think that he's some dirty old man macking on a some hot, innocent, young and impressionable lady.

I also found out his birthday is close to the birth date of the English Muffin. The English Muffin was born on July 6 and Old Man Winter was July 5.

I must say I enjoy having sex with him. He's got some girth on him and after having sex ,my vagina usually feels worked in for at least 24 hours. He is also pretty good at oral and I think he has set the bar. I had one guy I was with who has set the bar on what constitutes amazing oral. What I liked about him and what made him good was his passion. I could tell when he went down on me that he really enjoyed licking the female anatomy. While OMW may not have the same passion and enthusiasm, he certainly knocked my socks off. I think his passion is more subtle. But men that is the key to performing good oral - being passionate.

We've been dating for just over a month. I haven't labelled him my boyfriend and at this point I just don't feel comfortable doing so. He is one of those guys that is relationship oriented which is probably the first time I ever encountered this so he seems like he wants to call me his girlfriend. We went out last week for my first time to a golf driving range and he showed me how to golf. Afterwards we went to his place and had wonderful afternoon sex and then hung out for the rest of the day. He remembered it was his dad's birthday and he called him and they talked for a bit. He left the room we were in and then came back and he said he was seeing a girl in the meetup group. I haven't told my parent yet and usually I don't feel comfortable telling my mom I am dating someone. She knew about the English Muffin but it took me a while to tell her because I didn't think she'd get it.

My friend thinks it's weird that I haven't called him my boyfriend. She thinks that means we can still date other people. Yes that is true we probably can date others. I'm not dating anyone else at this point and I feel quite turned off from the online dating thing. I told her I didn't care for a label at this point and that even if he was my boyfriend, that is not going to stop him from dating other people. People have affairs all the time. The label in and of itself doesn't determine the person's faithfulness. A label isn't bad anyways. It just isn't the be all and end all.

Car

2011-09-17T18:00:00.002-04:00

Greetings,

My parents went to Italy for 3 weeks so I thought I'd ask them if they'd let me borrow their car for the time they are away. They let let me so I was happy to have a car. Their car is a Cadillac. I ended up filling it up the day before I returned it and it cost me $60 to fill it and I didn't fill it all the way. It probably would have cost $65 to fill 'er up. I didn't think such a car was such a gas sucker.

The Cadillac accelerates nicely but it was a bulky car and I've driven it with them before and I never cared for the mirrors. I preferred the mirrors on my Malibu. I found the rear mirror too small and it made the objects appear smaller and I am a firm believer in having good mirrors.

So having access to a car for 3 weeks has solidified my decision to get a car. I had initially said I'd go 6 months without one to see how I like it. It's been about 3 months and I really don't like it. I'm a driver. I don't mind taking the streetcar to work because I work downtown so it's just easier but to go to my book group and my yoga on Sunday and visit my family in Hamilton, it just makes more sense. I hate having to wait all the time for the streetcar. I like just being able to hop in a car and go.

I have a few friends who have used cars so I think I will go with that as they are probably more affordable. I am not in a rush to buy a car so that's a good thing for me. I'm still going to wait and save up my money because I can do without one for now.

My parents bought me my car, although they didn't initially buy it for me. It was a car that my mom and I used and then they decided to let me be the owner. My dad is very opposed to the idea of buying a used car because he thinks it might be in poor condition. I probably would make sure I get a good one and also I think you can get the history of the car.

I'm more interested in getting a fuel efficient car like the Hyundai Accent or Ford Fiesta or a Yaris. I am looking for a car that can last a while and my friend has a Nissan which she recommends getting a Japanese make.

I think I'd like one of those lime green cars. I've been seeing a few in Toronto and think they are really cool as a colour and look bright and fun. I like the colour red but I think as a car I wouldn't go for it because I think they are more prone to get tickts. That' my theory but I am not sure how accurate it is.

Fatalism

2011-09-07T20:57:00.002-04:00

Greetings all,

Lately I just feel like no matter how much effort I put into self improvement, I can never really improve my life. I feel like my life is probably already predetermined and there is really only so much I can do to make my life better. I might as well give up trying to have a better life. I want to have a better job, have some sort of power and authority but I just think that I'm only going to go so far with my life so why bother if I think life is already mapped out.

I know it seems pessimistic but maybe this is the reality of life. I believe in karma and reincarnation so for me, maybe I've experienced alot of good times in the past and this life I have different things to learn.

I'm not even interested in comedy right now. I'm not really interested in anything. I guess I'm just in a lull right now. Not worried that I'm in it or anything.

Back into Dating

2011-08-21T15:33:00.003-04:00

Greetings all,

I recently have been dating someone who is in my introvert meetup group. I said in a previous post (Friends with Benefits) that I was lusting for this guy and so we actually started to date. He's taken me out for dinner and has cooked for me. I was a little skeptical about going after him but I've been lusting for him for a while and it didn't seem to go away.

He's a little out of my age range as he's 10 years older then me. He also is divorced and has a 10 year old son. I dated a man back when I was 23 who was separated and had the kids full time so I didn't want to get involved with someone that has been married, mainly because they have more baggage to deal with.

I thought I'd give him a chance but I'm taking it slow for now. Our group had a few barbecues at his place and he'd pick me up at the subway station (as he's in the suburbs of Toronto). I really liked his eyes so that was a selling point for me.

It's nice to be dating someone and having them touch you and be with you physically. I fell hard for someone who lived in England and even though we never were in a relationship (did meet once), I had a hard time getting over him because I felt we were so compatible and I thought it was possible to overcome the distance.

My attitude is to just take it one day at a time and see where it goes. I don't know if he is Mr. Right but I'll just enjoy the time of dating. He will be the first guy I date from meetup. Meetup is for socializing and so I didn't really want to use it to date people since I think it's for socializing but you know sometimes when people hang out more they become attracted to people and date. It is inevitable that some romance blooms.

I actually went to one meetup on Friday and some guy in the introvert group, whom I only met once, actually asked me out on a date. I was wearing a skirt as I am trying to be more feminine. It's really hard because it's not my style as I prefer shorts and pants and jeans so maybe dressing up makes me attractive to men.

I know for me, I was tired of doing the online dating thing. I honestly felt like the universe was cock blocking me because it seemed like things just weren't clicking for me and dating was a chore. It's nice to meet someone in person so we'll see where this goes.

Fuck you CNE!

2011-08-21T14:38:00.002-04:00

Greetings all,

I'm pretty pissed today. I've been agitated since yesterday and my patience has been short. But today, the Security Guards at the CNE really pissed me off. I take the Go train to see my parents and have to cut through the CNE to access it. Normally I have no issues but now that the CNE is running (CNE is a family park that offers rides at the end of the summer and only runs for 2 weeks), I had difficulty today accessing the route I normally take. I wanted to take the 12.46 train and usually leave by 12.20 and I walk at a brisk pace.

The route I normally take was blocked and so I had walked through the entrance. A young woman said I had to pay but I notified her that I was taking the train and didn't want to be late. She called the security guards and they were after me. I told them I had to see my parents and that I would be late and this was the route I normally take. They wanted me to go take another way but I was not in the greatest of moods. There were 3 of them ganging up on me and I suggested to get escorted but they still were giving me attitude. I told them twice but they wouldn't allow me.

I had to access the train from the north side of the train tracks. Normally I access the south because the pay machines are on the south. I fortunately made it on time but I was pissed and rushing to get there. If I missed my train, I'd have to wait another hour and I didn't want to go through this.

I got home to my parents and called them to complain. They said they would speak to them. I didn't get the name of the person I was speaking with but I will do a follow up call tomorrow.

I just find it ironic that some organization that is for families, intentionally makes it difficult for someone who is trying to access the train so that they can see their family. My parents were also leaving to go to Italy this Tuesday so this was important for me to see them on time.

Friends with Benefits

2011-07-31T17:23:00.007-04:00

Greetings all,

Some of my friends and I went to see a movie called Friends with Benefits, which stars Justin Timberlake. I was having a conversation with one of my friends whom I have been having lusting for. We were having a conversation about the concept of having a Friends with Benefits (short form is FWB) arrangement. I said everyone has probably experienced being in this type of arrangement. Or at least you should have had this experience. To me, you haven't lived if you haven't had been in a FWB. I said I did this type of arrangement a few times in my 20s and to me that's almost standard behaviour for that age group. He apparently was the type of person who was always in a relationship and never really did this type of stuff.

I see being in a FWB as a smart way to sow your oats. Instead of always fucking random people when you aren't ready to commit to anyone, you can have consistent sex without the worry of getting a sexually transmitted disease.

Now for me, these past few years I have been wanting a meaningful relationship so I haven't engaged in this type of arrangement. He asked me what was the longest relationship I have had and most of them are short. I think with my first boyfriend, it was about a year and another guy I think it was just under a year, probably around 8 months.

I've spent most of my life single anyways and not actually involved with someone. This doesn't mean I was always in a FWB situation. I felt a bit awkward with this conversation because it was almost suggesting that I am not the type to be able to be in a relationship. For me, I just feel like I am fussy so I'm not going to stay in a relationship just for the sake of being in one. I'd rather be on my own. I obviously could handle being in a strictly sexual relationship but not everyone can. I probably could still do it and not get emotionally messed up but I'm just mentally and emotionally in a different place so it's not something I want to be involved with.

My friend thought this guy is probably gathering some data about me but I did say I'm in a different stage so looking for something more meaningful.

As well, just because someone is always the type to be in a relationship, doesn't mean they are good at it or that they are in healthy relationships. Someone who is just in FWB situations can be just as healthy or unhealthy emotionally as someone that is the relationship type.

At the end of the day, I don't think it matters if one has slept with lots of people before they meet the right person or if they have to plough through lots of relationships. The point is to be happy with yourself, regardless and hopefully find the right person. To me, there is no right or wrong way to live so I don't think the fact that I've been in a few FWB arrangements means I don't have what it takes to be in a meaningful long term relationship.

Creating Reality

2011-07-26T21:17:00.002-04:00

Greetings all,

I have been feeling these past few weeks that I am creating my own reality. I've known this intellectually however it is starting to take deeper root into my being. I think because of my yoga practice and meditating, it really is giving me a deeper self awareness and consciousness about my life and the power that I have in my life.

I as well have been realizing that, although I am fairly open minded, there are ways in which I am limiting myself. And I can do something about it and not get trapped by my self imposed limitations. It's certainly liberating to understand that we create our reality.

What I notice is that if something bad happens to someone, they think it only happens only to them. People fail to realize (I think this is just common human psychology) that there are others out there going through the same thing and that they are not alone. I think getting to that stage, helps one to empower themselves too since they don't take the pain so personally. Definitely seems like an ego game we play - that we think we are the only ones suffering or experiencing difficulty in the world. It really is all about perception of events at the end of the day. Thank goodness for Sat Nam Rasayan as well (I am an avid practitioner). It's so key to not react to things and just accept what occurs. That helps to empower one as well since you can handle things better instead of fighting against reality. Most of suffering I would say is because we aren't accepting the reality of what is being presented to us.

Need vs Want

2011-07-19T15:11:00.002-04:00

Greetings all,

I was trying to have this discussion with my male friend about needing a relationship and wanting a relationship. We have a mutual friend, which I have mentioned in a previous post, that I think always has a need to be with a man as I think she is desperate on an emotional level. He seems to think what she is doing is okay because she is lonely. I probably know this person more then the male friend I was having this discussion. I know that she's not doing her inner work, she's done some but obviously there is more to do. I just know from a few conversations that she is looking for happiness in a man and the reality is, that will never happen because it's not the way reality works.

I know I obviously can't make someone wake up to the mistakes they are making and it's something they can change when they are ready and willing to change. I'm optimistic that she can learn her lessons when it comes to relationships. She might learn the lessons this year or 5 years. Who knows but if one is wanting a meaningful relationship, they are going to have to do some real inner work and soul searching to get to that place.

My friend whom I was talking about this female friend, just doesn't get the concept. He seems to think her needing a man is okay. I want a boyfriend. I don't need a boyfriend. I feel fine emotionally and don't seek a man to fill an emotional void. There's nothing wrong with wanting a man. The difference between the two is that needing a man is coming from an emotionally unhealthy place, where you unconsciously believe it's someone else's job to make you emotionally fulfilled and happy. Wanting a man is coming from the place where you realize you can and do fulfill your own emotional needs. Your wanting a man comes from a secure place.

Wanting a man, means I have something to share. Wanting a man makes me more discerning because I don't waste my time with men who I am not interested in or don't think would be good matches. If I need a man, I will take whatever comes my way. I may display some discernment but because I don't know myself or invest enough time in myself, I tend to 'settle' and use men as emotional fillers. Needing a man means you are not bringing anything to the relationship. In fact you are arriving at it at a deficit, which to me is doomed to failure and doomed to cause drama for the participants

I think my male friend probably is a touch emotionally needy himself and maybe this is why he doesn't get what my point is and why I think she is needy, which is not healthy. All the healthy relationships I know of that work are ones where people want a relationship and are not emotionally needy. Looking outside of yourself for your own peace and happiness are just recipes for disaster. We all know it intellectually but it has to be something learned on an emotional level.

Job

2011-07-19T10:15:00.012-04:00

Greetings all,

I actually get to start a job tomorrow. I had the interview on Thursday and they said they would get back by Friday if I got it. I didn't hear from them Friday so I figured I didn't get it. The interview felt weird to me and I was late by a few minutes because the streetcar was going really slow in one spot. I gave myself plenty of time to get there butt I guess it wasn't enough. The company does planned giving and in the cover letter they wanted people to write about planned giving. I talked about how I was in a book group and we read World Economy by Rudolf Steiner and he talked about how gift money is the most productive money out there - in comparison to loan money or purchase money.

It is downtown so I am glad about that because I wanted to work downtown again. I think it's cool to be downtown.

I credit finding this job o the Job Mantra Stack that I did. I think my getting a cold was related to this because I have read that sometime around day 33 of the meditation, sometimes something may occur, like getting sick or things going wrong.

The stack is as follows:

Om (Gum Gum Gum)* Shrim Shrim Shrim Maha Lakshmiyei Namaha
Om Shrim Gum Ganapatyei Namaha
Om Lakshmi Ganapatyei Namaha
Om Kshipra Prasadaya Namaha
Ha Sa Ka La E I La Hrim x2 (2 reps = 1 mantra)

*Note: When I chant this I add the 3 Gums before the 3 Shrims. It gives a wonderful momentum/energy to this mantra.
The benefit of each would be:
1. Om Shrim Shrim Shrim Maha Lakshmiyei Namaha - Blessings of abundance from Maha Lakshmi
2. Om Shrim Gum Ganapatyei Namaha - Removing obstacles by Lord Ganesh
3. Om Lakshmi Ganapatyei Namaha - Asking Lakshmi and Ganesh to work together to bring about our desire
4. Om Kshipra Prasadaya Namaha - Immediate help from Lord Ganesh
5. Ha Sa Ka La E I La Hrim
Ha Sa Ka La E I La Hrim
This Kubera mantra is specifically about the prosperity of $$ money $$ because Kubera is God's treasurer.

Our experience is that this stack is powerful and quick. Repeat each mantra at least 108 times every day. If you are concerned and have time, you could do the stack once in the morning and once in the evening. But, as Namadeva says, be ready, "cause this one could really blow your socks off."

These mantras are in various CDs of Namadeva's work, which you can learn about at Sanskritmantra.com. I've used his mantras years ago and then started doing kundalini yoga and not spending so much time chanting. I decided to start to chant again. I was skeptical to use this stack but it seemed to work. I've done lots of disciplines and I could never tell if they helped me. I was more into seeing drastic, real physical things manifest. I know working with Kali mantras, I was able to manifest things so I do know they work.

I know for me, I am a little shocked. Lately I have been realizing that I am creating my own reality and this is a big thing. It's one thing to know it intellectually but another thing when you start to really get it on a practical level. I've been more aware of various thoughts and have challenged them. I think I have limited myself and I am starting to realize that there is more out there then we could imagine.

I really know this is the beginning for me. I am wanting to be a comedian. Maybe I have to revise this but maybe now I can really take it to the next level. I need a day job for now. Who knows what will happen. Work and prosperity have always been issues for me and maybe I am finally able to resolve things.

Ah Neighbors...

2011-07-15T11:25:00.002-04:00

Greetings all,

I recently kept running into one of my neighbors. We saw each other a few months ago and acknowledged each other a few times. He has a bit of an issue with his leg so he bends to his side and looks like he is lifting his leg. In my head, I nicknamed him Hobbie McHobbster (or something like that), since he hobbles when he walks.

Now the neighbor above me I hear sometimes having sex and so I have been curious to know who is above me. Now I just hear the bed noises, I don't hear moaning or anything. So it's annoying for me. Earlier on in the year, the bed noises had a certain rhythm to them and had a certain strength to them but lately they have been weaker sounding but also the rhythm has changed. I wondered if a new couple moved in or if it's a girl/guy who now has a new partner. As well, I had thought maybe it's a different man but it's possible the difference in sound is the woman being on top. Lots of theories floating about in my mind. As well, this neighbor would indulge in 5am sex, which was annoying for me as it would wake me up. I can't imagine having sex on a weekday. Weekend morning sex, sure I would indulge. But on the weekday? It's too much. I prefer night time so I can decompress. People would tell too if I indulged in morning sex. I'm just too obvious.

So Hobbie McHobbster I found out is the neighbor who lives above me. I was joking to myself that I bet he was the neighbor above me and I asked him and lo and behold he was.

We became friends on Facebook and he sent me a message saying he was interested in me. I declined and said we could be friends. He wanted to 'embrace the woman' in me. Translation: I want to fuck you because you are so close to me geographically.

I figured he was probably a player because he probably sleeps around or has a fuck buddy so I took his comment with a grain of salt. He was making his move about 2 weeks ago and just last Saturday I heard him going at it. Ah the joy of players!

Summer Love

2011-07-14T21:43:00.004-04:00

Greetings all,

A few people in my social circle have started dating and are now in the early stages of coupleness. My one friend recently broke up with someone, only after 2 months of dating and being a 'couple'. I didn't think they would last long because I didn't think the guy was right for her personality. And of course, I was right. As usual.

I think I am at this point in my life where - because many of my friends are single and only seem to partake in short term relationships - I don't really get too concerned if they announce that they are part of a relationship. I mean, I think to be a real couple you have to be together for over a year and to be a real, real couple at least for 5 years. I just notice that some people 'date' and are exclusive but then break up but they call themselves a couple in the process. I really don't see people as a couple until they have been together for quite a while. So if people want to play the game, that's fine but I won't take it serious until some time has elapsed.

Back to my friend whom recently broke up with someone. I didn't tell her I didn't think it would work out, because I knew right away after we had a conversation about how their relationship was going. We hardly had a chance to talk because as many people spend all their time together in the early stages. If someone is not happy and already bringing up their issues, it's just not going to work out. I mean, the truth is a relationship can last but it can be unhealthy but it is a working relationship and obviously is serving the needs of the participants. It doesn't mean they genuinely love each other.

My other friend I have learned is recently with a new boyfriend but I don't think it will work out either because from what I have observed in her, is she has this need to always be in relationships. She was living long term with someone and moved out last year but was quick to find a boyfriend. But as well, she seemed desperate to find someone and felt lonely. I don't feel lonely that often and I have been single for so long. I am used to figuring out how to spend my time on my own. I enjoy my company. While I prefer having a partner, I haven't met anyone that floats my boat. I think socializing with others helps. In the meantime, I'll just enjoy life. Which I think this person just hasn't done yet. She has yet to discover who she is and I think is seeking someone to fill the void that is lacking in herself that is really her responsibility to fulfill.

Is it really wise to tell people what you see is a mistake they are making? I guess we can hope they figure things out but what if they don't or are taking way too long (long of course is a relative term)? I'll be hanging out with these people tomorrow night and I know I can't make anyone change but I can certainly speak my mind and make observations and basically just have a conversation about what I observe.

Thoughts on the Census

2011-07-12T12:04:00.003-04:00

Greetings all,

We are almost done doing the Census in my district and now we are dealing with the scum of scum! Some people just think they can outsmart the government. It is stupid. Some people have said they mailed in the Census. Then the postal strike started and ended. Some people actually really did mail in their Census as it was received quickly after the strike was over. Others just said that to get us to go away. Do they honestly think that lying would work? The past few weeks I have been making visits to people who have claimed they did it and it was not received or processed. If it doesn't get processed in a certain time frame then it is safe to say they were lying. This time you can do your Census online and maybe doing it online created some glitches but some people said they did it online and it just wasn't processed. It takes a day for it to register on our end it was done.

I think for me, doing this job has gotten annoying. Are people that stupid where they think the government is not going to notice that it hasn't arrived. Do they think they not keep track of things, especially in this day and age with computers?

I try not to take the lying personally but it really irks me. It is your duty as a citizen of this country. Other countries force you to join the military and serve for your country. Canada, however, just asks that you fill out a form that takes less then 5 minutes to do. It asks your date of birth, marital status and languages you speak. It's really not asking for a lot isn't it? I think this is a pretty good country if you ask me. It's not perfect and yes some of the people that run the show are idiots but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do your Census.

The other thing is people don't understand is that they think all government departments are the same. The government has different departments, like Health and Fisheries etc so if you don't like Harper, that doesn't mean you have to hate all government departments. Harper hates us and that is why the long form is not mandatory this time around. We just gather data and make it public. We probably are the nerdiest department out there. Maybe this is why I am so passionate about doing the Census.

Sick

2011-07-12T11:57:00.002-04:00

Greetings all,

I actually getting a cold since Saturday afternoon. I wasn't sure if I was getting sick for real because twice this year, I would feel like I am getting sick but I never did. I was just grazed. By Sunday, I was starting to feel worse and it looks like this is the first time this year I actually got sick. I have a cold and missed work last night. I am not sure if I want to work today because sometimes the best thing to do is rest and take it easy. Since I am an enumerator, my job requires I walk and at this stage in the game, I am dealing with idiots so maybe I need to take it easy? It is our last day working in this district and then we'll probably work to help another district.

Overlooked?

2011-06-29T11:15:00.002-04:00

Greetings all,

I am in an email group for Sanskrit Mantras and many people from the group are using a 5 mantra stack that is good for finding work and so I have decided to give it a try. I am half way through this job stack discipline. So far, no prospects. Dry as a well, no calls for interviews at this point. I am hoping that something will appear.

Anyways, I am doing part time work doing Census and we were told yesterday our crew leader assistant has been moved to another district as a crew leader so that meant someone had to take her place on our team. Someone else got this role from our team, which I am a little upset about since I was the only person on my team who had previous experience and I think I probably should have gotten it. I am not sure if I should ask my boss the selection process because it wasn't like they asked us who would be interested. I feel offended that I wasn't picked and sometimes I think it's because people are threatened by my intelligence and skill. Would it be unprofessional to ask why I wasn't picked? I don't think so and I am thinking of sending her an email.

This position wouldn't have lasted long anyways because our time doing the Census will be coming to a close and so I am telling myself that something better is coming my way but I can't help but feel upset about this. I feel I have a lot of talent and intelligence and sometimes I feel it is overlooked. What do I have to do to get noticed and promoted?

Men Patterns

2011-06-28T11:45:00.002-04:00

Greetings all,

I have been aware of a pattern where I pine for an ex for quite some time after it's over. These are usually people whom I have fallen for, not all of the guys I have been involved with. I have a full life and always make myself a priority, however I notice that I pine for a past ex until I find someone new whom I enjoy and really like. I am also quite fussy about who I like so it takes me quite a long time to stop this pining. Some days I think of the person and others I am fine and don't care.

I wonder how common is this as I am sure I am not alone in this. I had thought of the best way to deal with this but I think the best thing is to accept that I do this as it is human. I guess I have to accept my mind pines for a while after I've fallen for someone. It doesn't make sense to fight it.

The Dogma of the People

2011-06-17T16:22:00.002-04:00

Greetings all,

I've heard many negative attitudes towards Catholic schools and churchs. I went to a Catholic school, elementary and high school. Some people seem to think we are brainwashed. In my education, we were not brainwashed. We were taught subjects like everyone else. We were taught math, physics, chemistry, biology, history, etc as they taught in regular schools. God was not mentioned at all.

The only difference between a Catholic school (in my day) was that we had to wear a uniform and we had to take religion class. This is where we learned about our religion. In grade 11, we had learned about the major religions of the world. I don't know if in the public system they learn anything about other religions. Maybe they don't get exposed to religion education until they get to university.

The other thing was sex education. I think we had our first sex ed class in grade 6. It wasn't until high school where they advocated no sex until marriage. We all know this was poppycock because the teenagers probably experimented by the time they brought this up.

I went to church a lot as a child because my mother is a regular church goer. I don't think I mind going until I hit 14 and then I started questioning religion. I remember in grade 8, everyone was getting confirmed and it was about consciously choosing to be Catholic. I was skeptical about doing it but only did it because everyone else did. I think 2 people in my class didn't because they weren't Catholic so I don't think it would have been a big deal to not do it.

We didn't have pedophiles for priests in my church. As far as I know. My mom is involved in church life, such as giving out communion so I'm sure if stuff like that was going on, she may have told us.

So many people think it's unfair that Catholics get their own school. Obviously when it first got started, it was a reflection of the people - the population was mainly Catholic. Now times have changed and more people are either agnostic, atheist or humanist.

I personally support Waldorf education so for me, I would rather see Waldorf become mainstream.

I've had my own beef with the Catholic church but I don't think religion will go away. People will always desire religious community in some form. I just would like people to be more open minded towards religious schools and not assume we who have gone through it are brainwashed and poorly educated.

The other thing that bothers me is that people think if you have a religion, you obviously believe in all its theories. The truth is that many people do not agree with 100% of what a Church stands for. It's like a company. Chances are you belong to a corporate environment but you do not 100% believe everything they do and believe. But you still belong to it.

The Church has to have a tenant of beliefs to stand upon. They have to have values that all churches of the same belief 'agree to'. Does this mean all Catholic people believe in it? No. How about we talk to people as individuals instead of lumping them all and assuming they all share the same beliefs.

Religious freedom means letting people have the freedom to decide whether they want to associate with a religion or not.

Missing the Car

2011-06-16T15:17:00.002-04:00

Greetings all,

It's been my first week without a car and I hate it already. I have to take 2 streetcars now to get to my Sat Nam Rasayan class on Sundays. I stopped by Kensignton Market and bought something for my dad for the upcoming Father's Day after my class. Usually I feel spacey and don't want to be around people so the ride home was awful for me because there was so many people and I feel more vulnerable to the energy around me so it just grosses me out. In my car, I just get a little flustered from all the traffic, but at least I have some feeling of privacy.

I had a job interview today and it was all the way up on Sheppard and Dufferin. It probably would have taken me about 40 minutes by car to get there but I have to take the bus and then a subway stop and then back on the bus. It took about an hour. I went home a slightly different way and took the subway all the way to Bloor and took the bus home but waiting for the bus took over 10 minutes and then 2 of them come along.

My patience is short to begin with and I am missing the convenience of a car. I have to get a job first before I can even consider a car. As well I want a condo and that costs money too. It just seems like every time I try to move forward in life, I just get pushed back. I'm tired of fighting and struggling. I've been out of work for almost a year now and this is looking bad on my resume. I've been job searching since September. I am poor! We talk about poverty in other countries. Fuck that, it's happening here!

Goodbye Car!

2011-06-11T14:16:00.002-04:00

Greetings all,

I put my car down on Thursday. It was a sad moment for me but I knew it was coming. I took my car last week to another mechanic as I got a groupon for an oil change and inspection. I wasn't able to use it, because they wouldn't work on my car due to spring issues. I decided to go this week to my regular mechanic for their opinion and they said driving my car would be dangerous. I've also had some problems with some fluid leaking. Can't remember which but he said that fixing these things would be too expensive.

I'll miss my car. I've had it for 12 years. I've had sex in the backseat. I'll miss blasting music around and my freedom.

I am thinking of getting one of those 3 wheel scooters by Piaggio called MP3. I don't know how I will do without my own car. I mean, living in Toronto, I have fairly decent transportation but I have an independent spirit and like doing things on my own. Maybe the scooter is just what I need so I don't feel stifled. I have read people can use them all year round. They are safer too because of the 3rd wheel. They cost a lot, but not as much as a car. And they save on gas too. Parking it around the city would be free.

2011-06-03T20:10:00.003-04:00

Greetings all,

I had this really amazing dream Sunday night, which I think was related to my Sat Nam Rasayan class. We only had 3 people show up and so I had 2 people working on me and then we switched. I wonder if having 2 people work on me created this type of shift internally.

My dream was about 2 men and I am not sure if they were the same man. They were my love interests but with the second man, he radiated such love and it felt amazing. It was nice to feel such love emanate from someone towards me, even if it was just a dream.

Success

2011-05-29T10:14:00.002-04:00

Greetings all,

I've been pondering this concept of Success lately. For me, I have been wanting to achieve material success for quite a while but never really felt like I have. I have friends who've gotten their degrees and gotten good jobs and have homes. I think in some way they are lucky. For me, I don't see myself going to school. Maybe when I am older. I have considered going to school but just don't feel drawn to it. I have the intelligence to go through it but if I don't feel drawn to something, it's hard for me to muster the motivation to do it. I have to believe in it I guess.

I have one friend who has worked at the same company for 10 years. I think she is lucky and think this 'success' was little of her doing. I on the other hand have worked at over 50 different companies (I was a temp for 3 years) and have been laid off 3 times in my 10 year work life. The difference is that I don't have a science degree but I do know of some people who have these kinds of degrees and still struggle. A degree doesn't guarantee you anything, although it does help some people out. I'm not against education but the truth is some schools are just in it for money and are a business.

From an Anthroposophical point of view, I see this more as an issue of karma. I am not sure I can 100% believe this but it seems to me to be the best way I can make sense of it.

People have good things happen to them and they do not earn it. I see it as a gift from the universe. Two people can do the same actions but yet one can end up with more success then the other. Why is that?

I don't want my belief in karma to seem as some fate thing because I do believe we have some choice in life. We may have difficult karma to work through but I know there are tools out there like yoga and mantra that can help us attract and work through what we want. I just think it's foolish for some people to deny that they have been blessed in their life and the blessings they have received are probably not their doing.

I don't believe in using the term god, I use the word universe. It does seem like the universe favours some more then others.

2011-05-27T16:16:00.002-04:00

Greetings all,

I had an interview for a job about 2 weeks ago. Didn't get it. I had an interview this afternoon and another next week. I've applied to 500 positions and probably have had about 6 or 7 interviews already. It's really bad out there and some days it's tough to handle. I am trying to stay positive. I really feel lost and I am not wanting to go to school. My comedy takes a backseat and this is unfortunate. I don't have any ambition to be creative when I am stressing financially. Some people can handle it but not me. I like some financial stability and that was probably why I felt more comfortable doing comedy when I had a day job.

My first week of doing the Census work was good but now I am no longer gong-ho about it and it feels like a drag. I have 5 assignments and basically that's all I'll get to work on and hopefully I can finish it in the next 2 weeks. Once we close our district we can help others. I'm hoping by that time I can get a full time job because I am not sure how long this job will go for.

I seem to get hit on by men. Like some are flirting with me and I can't tell if they are just flirting for fun or if they want more. Obviously, I try to be professional. One guy said he liked my energy and my eyes and hair and said I can visit him again in the future. He tried to make me laugh. Now I wasn't sure if he just wanted to make me laugh because I tend to be serious or if he really was interested in me.

One guy last week, I visited him while he was on the phone. I told him I could come back later as I was in an apartment building and had other people to see. I came back and he was quite rude and didn't want to do the census but halfway he said he had to do something and came back and was all friendly with me. We ended up talking about the rapture and talking about religion. It was weird the change. Not sure if he thought I was someone doing random surveys and maybe he realized I was with the government. Odd.

Chiropractic

2011-05-20T18:14:00.002-04:00

Greetings all,

I recently started to go to a chiropractor. When I went to the Kundalini yoga winter solstice retreat, during the meditations I became aware that I have an imbalance on my right side. A few months later I went to a Yoga conference and they had chiropractors. I went to 2 booths there and they have this area where you stand and they measure how much weight you carry on each side. I was carrying about 12 extra pounds on my right side. This prompted to see if going to a chiropractor would help.

I am on Onespout, which is a site that basically you can subscribe to and get all the info for online coupons. Online coupons like Wag Jag or Groupon have become popular, so this site collects all the deal and makes it available in one email, which is what I like.

So I ended up getting a voucher for a chiropractor visit. The one I went to has 28 years experience and I think I got a good deal as I got an assessment and 2 treatments with this package.

I had x-rays done. I was mainly complaining how I feel certain vertebraes in my neck bother me and how I have this nuisance pain in my right shoulder. He was saying it is related to the issue in the neck as they affect various nerves in the body. He is suggesting I get treatment 3 times a week for 4 weeks and then 2 treatments for 6 weeks and then I'll be on some maintenance plan.

It was interesting seeing the x-rays and I could see how some parts of my vertebrae were a little out of alignment. I will probably want to see x-rays 6 months from now, to see if there is a real physical improvement in my spine.

2011-05-11T21:57:00.000-04:00

Greetings all,

I had my enumerator training yesterday and today. I did the Census job 5 years ago but I guess I have to go through the training again. I get paid, so I guess it's not so bad. It was pretty boring for me as I already know how to do the job. There was probably a few minor changes but essentially it's the same process.

I tried to be a crew leader for the Census but I guess I didn't get the job. So technically my boss was my competition and I found out on Facebook that she is 2 years younger then me so that just adds salt to the wound.

She seems overly enthusiastic about the Census, to the point of madness. She really believes being a part of Census will help my neighborhood since it's a ghetto neighborhood and probably underfunded for some things. Census can be used to help planners determine what areas need funding for things like age old homes or schools.

I'm not sure if I should be nice to her. I mean, I am bitter a little that she has a job that really should be mine. She has no experience as an enumerator. I guess because she was a talker and probably so 'passionate' about this job, she won them over, whereas I wasn't so gong ho.

This time around, we're getting paid by the hour instead of by piece work. I think this is probably good since sometimes when you visit people, if they are not there you drop off a Notice card and sometimes people end up calling in their information because of this Notice. Unfortunately I don't get credit for that, even though eventually it will get crossed off my list.

As well, our crew leader said that we can probably do blitzes and work as a team and do this for various apartment buildings. We didn't do this before so this would be a good thing. Our area has a low response rate so they want us to get started on doing the follow ups.

I had planned to take this job, whether I had found a job by now or not. I am only going to be able to put in 20 hours a week since I am on EI still and if I work 40 hours, I might lose my benefits. I will still have to keep searching for a job.

Realistic vs Being Negative

2011-05-02T21:37:00.002-04:00

Greetings all,

I have been thinking lately the concept of being realistic and being negative. I think many times people mistake one for the other. Like they may be negative when they think they are being realistic or they are realistic but think they are being negative. How is one supposed to know? What makes something realistic? What is being negative all about?

I think for me, something is realistic if I think I can execute it. But on the other hand, maybe I don't think I can execute something because I am being negative about it?

Who knows really and I think the only way to know is through paying attention to your mind. I thought I had more to say on this topic but at this point, this is all I got!

American Idol

2011-04-25T10:52:00.002-04:00

Greetings all,

I had heard on the radio that JLo is now a judge on AI and that Simon and Paula are not on it anymore. I ended up checking on Youtube clips of the show. I am surprised she is on that show. She is like an A list celebrity and doing sitcoms (technically it's not a sitcom) but typically doing a show like this to me is a lower status show. I think JLo is alright. I don't care for her voice but her songs are danceable for the most part and she can dance well so I think she has some talent and respect her enough. I just don't think she has the same skill of singing that she and the other judges are looking for in the contestants. Now I guess she has something of value to say because she knows what it takes and I think she is proof that you don't need a big booming voice to be successful in this industry.

I felt she was overdressed and overdone. She had way too much make-up and always looks so overly dressed. It's American Idol, not the Oscars. I think she should dress a bit more casual.

I was reading now how everyone is gushing about her on Youtube and I remember years ago she was so hated. I remember when she was starting to get famous, she seemed really stern and she seems more relaxed on the show. I heard her in an interview that she learned that people love you one day and hate the next so this is probably what people are doing. I remember the Ben Affleck years and there seemed to be nonsense about that.

She seems like she is settled and happy so maybe people react to a celebrity because they don't like certain things about them. Maybe now because she's married with kids, that might be a factor in her likeability but as well, maybe it has softened her and helped her be less self absorbed? Who knows.

The Media

2011-04-25T10:03:00.002-04:00

Greetings all,

I don't have cable and I don't read the newspaper or really follow the news. I really don't pay attention to what is going on in the world. I don't have cable since I don't watch tv and can't justify the cost of a tv subscription. I am at my parents for Easter so this is when I get to watch tv and generally it feels weird to watch since I just don't have the attention sometimes to watch a show. I managed to watch Celebrity Apprentice. I think for me, if I don't feel interested in watching it in the first few minutes, I just can't be bothered. There are so many other options out there. As well, I don't find much shows engaging and tv is such a passive activity that I don't care for it much. I watched a lot of tv when I was a kid but when I hit first year university, I just stopped and watched on occasion. I think tv is limiting and I was more attracted to being engaged in the real world. Although I do think tv can be useful, it mostly is garbage.

Anyways, I am now hearing about Prince William's wedding on tv. And I hear of all other stuff. And all of it, I don't care about. The main reason I really don't like to hear news is because I find it's not necessary information. Most news out there isn't going to affect me and I can't do anything with the info. It's a waste for me so I end up not listening to anything, which I think can potentially have a downside. But I end up hearing about shit anyways. I heard about the Japan earthquake (how can you not). Important news usually gets shared by people. I think I consciously chose to not put info in my head that I don't need, because I want to keep my mind clear. I have read that always reading about the news is depressing and they have done studies on this. I think that's the main reason. I need to feel good about my life and I think always reading depressing stories is disempowering. Sometimes knowledge is not power. It's just depressing because we can't do much about it. I suppose we could with stories that really touch us but I think with the majority of info out there, we probably are not going to do anything with this information. If I can't act upon info, then it's useless to me. I really feel that most of what happens, we don't need to know. I already know there are murders and wars going on or how people screw each other over. I don't need to know this and it doesn't help me in any way really.

So I was watching Celebrity Apprentice, which happened to be 2 hours. So here I am thinking I have a short attention span but apparently I can sit down for 2 hours and watch something, if I find it interesting. Trump asked the remaining contestants if they would vote for him if he were running for President and they all said yes and he said he'd fire them if they didn't. I honestly think I would have said to him that I would consider him as an option but would base my decision on who else is running and what their platform is. As well, just because he has business skills, doesn't mean he has the skills to run a nation, which require a different skill set, although having business skills is one of them. Being a President requires other skills. I would tell him that maybe running for an entry level position would be better to see if he likes the field as being President is a 4 year commitment. If you don't like a business, you can quit at any time but not as President.

I was also surprised how some of the women on the women's team were catty with each other. This was a show that the winners get money for their charity. They were a bit mean about it and I didn't agree with that. It's for charity! I find though it always seems that the men can learn to deal with their differences but women just get so catty and emotional and I have seen a few of the Apprentices where the women end up behaving this way. I just don't get it. It makes me wonder too because obviously men have a capacity to get along but yet they are more prone to violence and usually start wars. So that is what I don't get! Surely if men can handle their differences in small groups, they can be less violent in the world. Doesn't make sense.

Love Triangle Revisited

2011-04-21T10:46:00.002-04:00

Greetings all,

I had written back in January and February about a 'love triangle' that was going on in my group. Anyways, it was the guy's birthday on Sunday and he invited some of us out for dinner. I felt like there is just so much attraction that I feel and I was thinking how maybe I have to pursue this to see where it goes so after talking with my friend, I emailed him asking if the offer to cuddle was still open.

He was open to meeting up and we had coffee last night. Some of us planned to attend a BBQ on Good Friday and he emailed me that he planned to kiss me. He said he would try last night but I wouldn't let him. I think it kills the moment if you announce that you plan on kissing someone. Just do it and be spontaneous about it!

Anyways, I felt like he didn't get me and somehow we started talking about personalities and I said mine was up there. He took this to mean I am cocky but I'm just a confident person. I had joked when I went to my yoga retreat back in December that I attained enlightenment and he said that was an example of my cockiness. I said that was a joke. He just doesn't get me.

I told him how I was pissed that he went and danced with the girl and separated from our group. He apparently doesn't remember doing that. How convenient they don't remember doing this. They are both feeling types but it goes to show that even feeling types can be insensitive and unconscious about their actions and hurtful. I said because of that I don't trust him anymore. He told me he asked her out. The good thing is he didn't ask me out because no one likes to be #2 and at least he has some awareness of this.

He made it seem like there was something wrong with me. He feels I'm blocked and sees I am sensitive but I don't think he gets that he's probably sensing something in him and is just projecting onto me. I don't know what he is talking about. I am fine as I am.

The organizer is big into the Myer-Briggs personality and one aspect of a person's personality is that they are a thinker or feeler. I get the vibe that they think they are so much more sensitive then us thinkers because they are feelers and that what they feel is right. A Steiner quote that I remember is that thought is the father of feeling. So to me this means that your thoughts are what gives birth to feelings and that a thought can enlighten us to what we feel. Steiner has talked about how thoughts can reveal deep feelings and are not purely cold.

I thought as well, that as a thinker, I don't always think the 'right thoughts' and I'm sure the same thing applies to feelers. They may not interpret their feelings in the 'right way'. They may feel something but they can misinterpret it. It takes skill and emotional intelligence to interpret a feeling accurately just as it takes skill to think correct thoughts.

The bottom line is he is an ass and I gave him a 2nd chance and he just proved he's not worthy of my time or attention. I just wish I didn't feel this physical attraction to him. I'm not sure if I'll stay with this group for long. Idiots are everywhere and running away isn't a solution.

2011-04-20T14:42:00.003-04:00

Greetings all,

My meditation experience was interesting last night. Things seem to keep revolving around the same issues and I am probably just chipping away at it slowly. Last night I felt like I just don't believe in myself. And I think this is the root of my fears and what holds me back.

As I said before, I have been aware that I am looking externally for answers but I know intellectually it's internal. Looking within on an emotional level is different then just understanding it in theory.

I guess I have to self determine and basically I know this. It's just I am working through all this emotionally and this is the challenge. It does boil down to self confidence and this is what I think I am working on.

Madness!

2011-04-15T12:49:00.002-04:00

Greetings all,

I had another challenging week. For the past few days I was really feeling down, again I think this was due to my meditation. I had one of my most intense meditation experiences with Sat kriya on Wednesday. I went out during the evening and in the morning had spoken to an employment counsellor. I am 2 points shy of qualifying for Second Career, so It would be difficult for me as according to the labour market, it does not say office administration is a dying field. If it was, I'd have a good chance for my case. So now I am left with what to do with myself. I can still find a job and go to school part time.

Anyways,I had been feeling down and I have been doing my sodarshan for 22 minutes and I did Sat Kriya for 22 minutes and at the 11 minute point, I just had enough of things and felt myself standing up to the bullshit in my life. I was really pushing past some deep seated fears and it was intense. It was weird and emotional at the same time. I felt better the next day but I still feel there is more emotional debris lodged in my head and I just want it out. All out! I just don't know how long it will take, as I have done lots of emotional work on myself. I have made progress.

I find sodarshan hard at times, because I think it is really challenging to my ego and the negativity I hold on to.

I went out Wednesday night and felt really out of it and spacey. I was glad that I cleared out my emotional stuff Wednesday night as I felt better on Thursday.
I don't believe in books like The Secret, because based on my own experience, I find the only way to become more positive is by really feeling the negative feelings and letting them go. A kundalni book mentions this that many techniques just force you to replace one thought with another, but that never gets to the root of the issue. The point is to get to the core belief and really experience the pain behind it.

I feel I am looking for some permanency in life but most of what we experience is only temporary. I know in theory, the only permanent thing is our soul and spirit. Experiencing it is another story. I do feel like my mind is so untrained and that I have over identified myself with my mind. I have experienced this feeling before but I am experiencing it on a deeper level. I do feel like my mind is supposed to serve me, but it has a mind of its own, which is no good for me.

I have felt these past few days that I am looking outside of my self for answers that I know intellectually are inside of me. I feel like I am trying to see what others have done and I think if I do what they did, maybe I can figure out what to do but I have to really accept that I am unique and that my path is unique. Maybe I am afraid of my own light and strength because I don't want to stick out or something. Maybe by being great, I feel that it separates me from people. I am not sure yet how to interpret this. I have a hard time accepting this at times because I want some formula to success that I can copy but it doesn't work like this. I don't know if I'll ever be successful. It's obviously important to me, but success is really something I determine for myself. No one can tell me if I am a success or not. It's up to me to decide.

I feel as well, that I need to be at peace with myself and what happens around me. I think this meditation has brought to my awareness, the thoughts that aren't nice but I have to acknowledge them.

I just want to be free but I see how I am limiting myself and basically imprisoning myself.

Time seems to move so fast. You just want to make it stop. I think on some level, the way time moves, it is scary. I have no control over it and we can't make it stop.

Sodarshan Chakra Kriya

2011-04-08T14:30:00.002-04:00

Greetings all,

For the past few weeks I have been working with Sodarshan Chakra Kriya which has been labeled as the highest meditation to do in Kundalini yoga. I tried it last year a few times and noticed nothing. I first tried it for 10 days and then months later for 30 days. I didn't feel very much so I never bothered to finish my 40 day discipline. I am starting it up again and for some reason, it actually seems to be bringing up stuff and has been intense emotionally.

I have been reading some people's experiences with this meditation and other meditations in general and there seems to be a lot of emotional stuff that comes up and gets processed and for some it would cause some depression if they did it too much.

These past 2 weeks have been hard for me, especially since I've been job searching for over 6 months and I am in some sense giving up. You can't put all this effort into something and get no payoff.

This week I have been feeling really heavy and I think it's the meditation. Last night was intense emotionally for me but I still feel some heaviness. I was posting on the forum how doing this can make you feel like you are crazy and sometimes you wonder if you are addicted to the negative emotions. But I think it can be hard to realize there is some light at the end of the tunnel. I know with other meditations I did, it was intense in the beginning and eventually calmness would be experienced and it wasn't always about feeling anger or sadness, etc.

I definitely felt myself resisting something and I just surrendered to it, although with great difficulty and reluctance.

I have to make sure I stay grounded so I do navel sets and might go back to doing nahbi kriya. I was doing various ones and it's important to do navel work so that it keeps you grounded but also helps to maintain the effects of meditation longer. I am cleaning my apartment today so that is good.

2011-04-04T16:14:00.002-04:00

Greetings all,

I had a group interview on Friday. I'm tired of job searching and I think if I don't get this job, I'm going to go back to school. Just fed of not finding anything. I have had more interviews and sent out more resumes then back in 2009 and it's just ridiculous. Not sure at this point if I would go to university or college. College might make it easier to get a job and I might potentially qualify for Second Career and get my schooling paid for. My only problem is that I have really nothing that I am drawn to. I would want to go take a program that the graduates are in demand. Too many schools just crank out diplomas to make money, not really paying attention that their students may not find work in their field.

If I go to university, there are many programs I could take. I just know comedy is something I am interested in but I don't see how going to school would be useful so I probably would take something like math or economics. I like psychology or environmental science. I just don't know what to do sometimes. I am not sure where I see myself.

The other option was to just take a crappy job like a waitress and pursue my comedy on the side. I think either way, I will pursue comedy because I think doing that makes me most happiest. I think to be a professional, I have to hustle more and I'm just not at that level and that might take time.

I hate my life sometimes. Damn karma!

Kundalini Teacher

2011-03-31T13:42:00.004-04:00

Greetings all,

I had ran into a Kundalini teacher on the street last week. I only took one of her classes. This was a donation class so she was teaching it for free. The class was supposed to be an hour. She was late by about 10 minutes and we ended up only doing a few exercises. There were 4 of us and during one exercise a student challenged her about an exercise. She was saying that she did it another way and the teacher wanted her to do it as she said to do it. I guess the student was being a bit of a brat because it may have been better to speak out about the exercise after class. When you are learning something, usually it is best to just follow the instructions and I didn't see a point in bringing up how you've done it differently.

However, as mentioned, we didn't spend much time doing exercises and I think for about 15-20 minutes, the teacher was lecturing us. She was lecturing about how when she says how to do something, that is how we do it and she lectured on about other things and overall, I felt this class was a waste of time. We could have done a few more exercises and I probably would have felt the class was useful. I basically felt she was being anal and a control freak. She seemed uptight and angry, considering she was a KY teacher. Most teachers that I meet that are yoga teachers, they are fairly laid back and happy. They are not normally angry and so controlling.

I had spoken to someone about her and it looks like she was just this type of person and it just wasn't her having an off day.

So when I ran into her, I got this vibe that was negative. I felt like on some level this 'nazi' vibe. Now I'm not saying she was a nazi but just this vibe of being controlling and angry. She seemed like she had some dark and negative energy in her that was very deeply embedded into her character.

Now for me, I don't understand how someone can be a teacher and not have this work affect them. I would think it helps one to deal with these undesireable qualities like being a control freak and being angry. There was a darkness to her soul and I wonder why.

Is she not serious about working on herself and so just goes through the motions? I wonder how long she has been doing this for and how much she practices.

If you do something good for you, surely it must affect you positively over time. I guess it is possible that kundalini yoga has helped her and maybe without it, she'd be even more angry and controlling.

2011-03-20T22:06:00.003-04:00

Greetings all,

Still job searching and generally getting frustrated. I figured I'd have found a job by February. I've applied to more jobs and have had more interviews then when I was job hunting back in 2009 and I have more experience and skills and yet still no job. I really don't know what to make of this and frankly I do not want to go back to school. If I go, I don't want to go because I feel desperate, which is what I am feeling at times. I want to go cause I want to, out of my own free will.

* * *
The family cat Sally apparently has a male suitor after her. A few weeks ago my dad was outside and a cat started to rub himself against him. Apparently my dad had Sally's fur on him so that was what he was attracted to. As well this tom cat tried to come into our house. I am guessing he can sense Sally. This is quite terrible that my cat has more guys after her then me. I'm just in a fictional facebook relationship with a candy dispenser!

I am wondering if I should dump my fictional boyfriend on facebook. My friend sometimes puts him in inappropriate situations like some of his female friends will kiss my Shroom, which makes it look like he is cheating on me. Shroom is supposed to be a good and loving and devoted boyfriend. Not some playboy.

* * *
The dating/relationship forum for women is still up but no one is posting as it was to close on the 18th. Someone took the initiative to start a new one and I got to check it out. I have no motivation to continue with this board but I wanted to see what it looks like. I may check it out on occasion to see how it's doing. Right now it seems like there aren't too many posters posting but I'm sure that will change in time. Not that I care because I've learned all I can about men and I'm done with having discussions about them!

The 5 Tibetan Rites

2011-03-17T12:04:00.002-04:00

Greetings all,

I've been practicing an exercise set called the 5 Tibetan Rites. I first heard about this from a Raviana dvd on kundalini which features this set. I've been doing so for a week and it's been interesting. One of the exercises, I have been practicising on occasion, the back of my head has popped a few times. It's number 4 in this set. These exercises are all exercises I learned before and you can do them on their own. It's just they have been sequenced in this way.

The first exercise is spinning slowly clockwise. I'm not sure about the science behind it but I think probably making yourself spin a few times probably has some effect on some brain parts or some glands as many exercises can stimulate certain parts of the body.

The 4th exercise, which is known as table or bridge I did on its own before I learned of this set. I was doing it a few times before I was practising this and the back of my head popped but what was funny was yesterday when I did this set, it popped 3 times.

I have a lot of tension in my head, which I have managed to release over the years but I can feel certain parts of my head that are blocked and it's annoying. The imbalance is mostly on my right side of my head and there are a few points where I feel are blocked so when I do my energy work, I can feel where my head is still stuck. It is frustrating but you have to work at it to clear it so it's just a matter of time.

It's for youthfulness and energy. I don't feel I need to be youthful. I look young for my age. I want to move forward in life and I guess I need more energy to do so and I need to dump all negative emotions and thoughts from my body.

Comedy

2011-03-17T11:40:00.002-04:00

Greetings all,

I had a show last night at a club called Absolute. It was their Pro/Amateur night. Most open mics I go to are not at clubs but run by comics. I do not get paid for this and this was the first time I actually went over my time. We are given 7 minutes. I was the second comic on and the first guy was over time by a minute and 33 seconds. I practiced before and I think it was 5 or 6 minutes. I ended up being over time as well and was a minute and 26 seconds. The manager pulled me aside and was quite upset that I was over time and kept telling me over and over that I was over time and that I need to practice and time myself before hand. This was my first time before over time because usually I keep my sets under the time.

As well I wrote a while ago that back in November, I bombed for my first time so I guess I'm becoming more official as a comic because I am experiencing all the negatives that come with it.

I was looking for a light to signal my time as usually there is a signal. Apparently there was no light and they say on the line up sheet, which I normally don't pay attention to. I felt bad for going over time but I didn't think I was. I hope this doesn't effect my chance to get a spot in the future at this club but I don't think so since it was my first time going over time. As well, if they don't accept me, it's not a big deal because there are multiple ways to get success. Certainly it's important to not go over time and it's a bad habit to get into as it can alienate the club owners, who are your employers.

2011-03-16T18:05:00.002-04:00

Greetings all,

I am still lurking on the forum I used to be on, it's end will be this week. I really don't care about it as the drama seems to have died off a bit, although as mentioned the blocked user came in as another name and is insulting some people. It's a little creepy and it actually reminds me of how my exroommate behaved after I called the cops on her. This user is just trying to bait the members, just as my roommate did. It was tempting to say something back and quite hard to ignore her but this is what perpetuates the drama. Some posters online would respond back but if she was ignored, maybe she would give it up. I could see the poster trying to poke at people and looking for their insecurities and deliberately trying to be insulting. Just like my exroommate.

With my sat nam rasayan training, I've learned how to not react to things and so I think this is a skill everyone needs to cultivate. Why react to these things? This is what some people want but it doesn't make it right.

The End

2011-03-12T15:50:00.004-05:00

Greetings all,

As mentioned earlier, I had left the relationship forum for women last month. I have, however, been lurking on it and these past few days there has been much drama. I had mentioned that a few of the women are quite petty. One of them was rather insulting to another poster who happens to just be an antagonizer at times, but however makes valid points. The later was persistantly fighting with the moderators about how the initial poster was insulting her. The moderators have no real power, just authority. Eventually the woman who runs this business and the site decided to close down the forum. As well, she 'blocked' the antagonizing poster, although not the insulting one. It appears the blocked user created another user name and has left a few posts. Frankly, I think both were out of line and didn't think it was fair to just block one person when both should be.

I think it was quite sad but I did email her my feedback about why I left but I wasn't pointing out anyone specifically. I said I found the environment generally petty and immature and either structure it better or close it down. I really don't think I had much influence but I'm sure the woman got tired of probably receiving numerous emails from angry women who can't handle when someone says something they do not like. I think people want a supportive environment but they at the same time, some seem to want to be babied and can't handle someone saying something they don't like. They can just be so overly sensitive at times. It was annoying.

There definitely were some level headed people but it seems like the few rotten apples win out. As I was watching people's reactions and comments, I felt a bit like a social scientist. It was amusing because people would keep repeating themselves defending their point and clearly no one was budging. I think if you think you can change someone by repeating yourself, you are fooling yourself. You really need to learn to ignore someone at times, which is quite hard. I had to do this my ex-roommate. I know how people just want to put their 2 cents in but sometimes just not reacting is more effective. It just adds fuel to the fire. You can't rationalize with someone who is on defensive autopilot. Their minds are just no longer under their conscious control and logic is bypassed. I've seen it happen to myself but I see it when trying to argue with someone. It's just typical human nature.

Even as the announcement was made to close the forum, a couple of women are still using it as an opportunity to insult and be smug to people. I just can't fathom that. I really can't. I guess some people are just so unhappy with their lives. I am out of work, and therefore had the free time to watch what was going on, but I don't know how some of these women find the time. I do think a forum is useful but you do need to interact with people in the real world. I was on it less when I had a job so I was trying to not be on it too much because I realized I might use it as a means of distraction and time waster.

I know for me, I am glad I left. I realized many of these women just are not at my maturity level and probably never will be. The best thing is to not spend time with people like that because they will just bring you down. Some women just don't have class and it's sad.

I wonder if it turned so ugly because they are bitter, angry women or if it is just human behaviour. This kind of behaviour is not uncommon in forums and people have to learn to behave as they do in real life but many do not. But then people behave appropriately because most people keep conversations superficial. People don't get riled up over talking about the weather. I would think dealing with relationship issues, it might make you more vulnerable emotionally and therefore more sensitive and prickly to the advice of others. Or maybe not. I always welcome truth, even if it was something I didn't want to hear because at least you can mull it over. People just need to realize that you are the common denominator in your life so if you are consistently experiencing the same problems, then it might be you or your approach.

But it does make me wonder why this behaviour online would occur. How can people learn to govern themselves online and be civilized and tolerate disagreements? I guess relationships is a touchy issue. Or maybe not. People can be passionate and therefore sensitive to many things, like their favourite sports team.

All I can say is, humans are strange. I am almost embarrassed to have been on that site. I didn't think it would end in such a sad way.

More thoughts on Sat Kriya

2011-03-02T14:58:00.003-05:00

Greetings all,

I thought I'd talk about sat kriya as I have worked with it a lot last year and have done a 120 day discipline and several 40 day disciplines. I am working with it again after a 2 month break.

I think I stopped working with it because I felt like I wasn't getting anything out of it but maybe that was an excuse. I think because I worked with it a lot, not much was happening as it was in the beginning, where I felt more stuff coming up. I think maybe I can experience different things because I've cleared a lot. I guess maybe I expect the same amount of clearing but I think I just need to accept that now I'm in a different place when I work with that kriya.

So lately for the past few weeks, I started to experience more positive feelings. I would still cry when I experienced these feelings, which I still don't understand why. First I felt like I was destined for greatness. A few days ago I felt like I was unique and recently that I am master of my domain (i.e. I can direct my life and have self control). I don't know why I cried at these realizations but it reminds me of this Marianne Williamson quote about how we are most afraid of our light and not our darkness. So maybe this was why I have been crying? I am not sure at this point but will continue to work with this kriya.

Damn Immigrants!

2011-03-02T14:01:00.004-05:00

Greetings all,

Yesterday I went to a meetup for job seekers and people wanting to make a career transition. It was primarily in the evening, although if you wanted to stay past the hour you could. Since my bookgroup meets that day, I didn't stay long and think I was the only person to leave at 6.30.

A few people were immigrants but one of them really stuck out in my mind and I thought she was very hostile. Now some of that is probably due to frustration and is maybe understandable but I didn't think it was appropriate.

First of all, if you immigrate into a country, it is an honour and a privilege. We don't have to let you in. You are not entitled to a job and have to prove yourself. She sounded Indian so I'm guessing she is from somewhere in the Middle East. She was trained and has experience as a Clinical Social Worker. Frankly I thought she needed the help of a Clinical social worker because she came off as so harsh, rude and angry.

She was really bitter about being out of work for a year, which I understand. She was also frustrated that she feels her experience is not being recognized because she is from a different country. First of all, if one researches the employment rates across the world, she will see that unemployment is difficult everywhere. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_unemployment_rate

I would think you would do your research first before coming into another country and possibly have a job lined up or at least a strategy. The rate for India was 10% whereas in Canada it's 7.8%. A 2.2% difference but our unemployment is still high. The fact is that with our current economy it is hard to find a job anywhere.

I know for many born Canadians, we are having a hard time finding jobs (myself included). I don't know too much about the immigration process but I would think the government only lets in a certain number of people and frankly I think it should co-relate to the employment rate (if it doesn't already). If we have lots of jobs available, and a low employment rate, sure open the doors but if we the citizens are struggling, let's take care of ourselves first and not let so many new comers into our country.

My dad came to this country when there was lots of opportunities and it was easy for him to find a job. I would think if times were better economically, that should reflect in the number of immigrants we allow into this country.

Another point I am making is this woman was complaining how her experience isn't recognized. First of all, Canada has one of the best education systems in the world and is in the top 5. I think these people need to accept this fact that maybe the education they received, is not up to our standards. Now I'm sure there must be something to bridge this gap so that we can at least recognize the training they did. Maybe they need to take a course or two to meet our standards but to complain about our standards is just nuts.

I wrote an article years ago for a volunteer organization in Hamilton called SISO so I know of the discrimination that trained immigrants have in finding jobs that match their skills. Certainly something has to be done about that but this is a risk that they take when leaving their countries and frankly it's something they need to accept. I don't go to their country and expect them to cater to Canadians.

This woman complained how she had a one day a week job with the municipal government of Toronto and had a job in Retail. She motioned with her hand towards her head like a gun, that she wanted to shoot herself (remember this is a clinical social worker...). She definitely has this entitlement mentality. A lot of people have to take crappy jobs while they hunt for a better job. Just because you are an immigrant and have experience and education, you think you are entitled to finding the ideal work? Suck it up sister, because lots of Canadians struggle too for work. Times are challenging whether you are an immigrant or not. Have some respect for the country you are residing in.

I just reverse this situation in my head. Would I expect to go to another country and complain about finding work when locals are struggling themselves? Would I complain about taking crappy jobs just to make ends meet? The answer is I would respect their rules and the struggles I would endure, because I am the one who is the guest. I can't expect to go to a country and expect them to serve me. I have to prove myself and show myself as deserving. I have to have the humble attitude, not the entitlement mentality. And I am sure if I went to another country, they probably would prefer giving jobs to the locals over an immigrant. I'm the outsider and have to prove myself and gain their trust and respect. This is the challenge of being an immigrant but at the same time, it is what makes someone proud when they can overcome these challenges.

Hot Yoga

2011-02-24T12:39:00.002-05:00

Greetings all,

I went to my first hot yoga class and I was sweating up a storm thanks to the heat. I don't think I've ever sweated so much in my life. I've tried the infra-red saunas and sweat a bit in them but this was a lot.

I didn't bring a towel, which I should have because it would have been easier to do some poses. The yoga itself was not challenging because I've done yoga before. The balancing poses were challenging, but then they usually are. I had a challenge doing eagle pose because my leg was so sweaty and it made it difficult to wrap my leg around the standing one. Usually I have no problem with this pose as once I wrap my leg firmly, I can stay in it but my leg kept slipping and I had to not go so tightly into it.

Hot yoga also helps with making it easier to bend and be flexible since the heat helps. We were doing side bends and I managed to go very low when bending to my right and I think the heat helped. I went further down then I normally do.

I have 9 more sessions. Not sure if this would be something to do regularly but I think once and a while would be good for purification. I think Kundalini yoga has been the most useful yoga. They should offer it in the heat.

2011-02-23T13:56:00.004-05:00

Greetings all,

After I had deleted my profile, all my threads and posts were deleted. I had a popular thread that was called Woe is Me: the Self Pity thread. It basically is what it is. A thread to whine and feel sorry for yourself as I think sometimes you just need to take that time for yourself to do that and get it out of your system.

Well one of the women that didn't like me created a new thread (I have been lurking on the site) that is a continuation of that one. But she basically started insulting me on that thread. Apparently she said I 'drove' off one of her friends and was criticizing her for being dyslexic. That isn't something I would do. I would criticize someone for other reasons, but not for dyslexia. I am sure there was some misunderstanding, which commonly happens on the board. This person should have messaged me or asked for clarification on the thread. They just aren't communicating effectively and then get mad at people. If you think someone is attacking you, why don't you ask for clarification. Maybe they weren't doing so intentionally.

Anyways, the other jackals who were rude to me on my goodbye thread were rude on this thread. It wasn't a self pity thread, it was a thread to continue to attack me. These are women in their 40s and frankly this is quite lame on their parts. It was just their final opportunity to get their digs into me.

I am glad to be gone from there and am just lurking, although not so much. I think my attention needs to be directed to more positive means.

* * *

I created a second facebook account for this little toy my friend has. It's the character from super mario brothers. I've decided to make him my boyfriend because I've been wanting to be in a relationship for so long on facebook but that never happened and I thought this character would be a good boyfriend. Here's what my new boyfriend looks like:

Anyways, my ex-roommate has blocked me on facebook but she didn't block my boyfriend, so I took a peak at her profile and apparently she changed her name. Her first and last name is completely different and she now lives in Kamloops BC and is working again as a waitress. I don't know why she would change her name. I think because she is trying to run away from her problems and sometimes people think by changing their name, they will fix the problem. When I think about her, I think of how unhappy she was as a person. She maybe had the occasion moment of happiness but she was a bit of a drama queen and always so reactive and angry about stuff. I've been in that part of BC and I know there is a lot of nature. Maybe this will be a calming environment for her because she really needs to do her inner work and look at her emotions. Or maybe it won't be. I don't know, but how can you be an angry person and live in BC with all the nature and trees? I can't fathom living in that environment and not be affected by it on some level. I know she likes to snowboard so maybe that is why she went there. She never mentioned BC when living with me.

* * *
I've decided to do the morning sadhana at the ashram. They do it every day and it starts at 4 am and ends at 6.30 am. They do yoga and mantra. The reason for doing it so early is because this is a spiritually ripe time and it is ideal for tapping into the universal energy. I'm going to try it this Friday as this past month I have felt the urge to go and try it so I guess I must follow the urges of my soul.

I attended a sadhana when I went to Florida for the Winter Solstice but that was because I arrived at the site after 9 and so we had the option of setting our tent up in the dark or stay in the Fire Tent. I stayed in the Fire tent which is where they were doing the sadhana. So it woke me up and I slept through half of it but people say that even if you fall asleep, you benefit from the energy.

Anyways, we'll see how I like it and maybe I can go more often.

* * *
They have these things for getting discounts online. You can learn of one called Groupon at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Groupon. I got a package for 10 hot yoga sessions so tonight I will go to one class and see how it goes. I'm not sure how I'll handle the heat but I will wear shorts, which means I have to prepare my legs this afternoon as I am a hairy beast.

Bitches Be Crazy!

2011-02-20T21:56:00.004-05:00

Greetings all,

Today I decided to delete my account for the forum that I am on that is primarily for women to discuss dating, relationships and men. I left a positive goodbye. No insulting or really going into the real reasons why I am leaving. Basically said that I enjoyed meeting some in real life as a few came to Toronto and I went to New York to see those who lived there. I said that I felt I had learned all that I could and felt I had nothing to contribute. I ended with the closing that is commonly done in kundalini yoga, which is: may the long time sun shine upon you, all love surround you and the pure light within you guide your way on, guide your way on, guide your way on.

Now some people were civilized and politely said goodbyes but a few were petty and insulting. Some said I was brash and tried to give me feedback. I didn't ask for feedback, mainly because I don't think I need it. One woman was rude enough to say that I need to work on being compassionate so that I could be happy. This was the woman who had a problem with my post about Failed Marriages. I think I am a fairly compassionate person. Another woman said I need to see a counsellor to work on my social skills. Now these people were not saying these things to me because they cared about me. They only said these things to hurt me and were acting petty. I am not brash or harsh. I am a rational, logical and opinionated woman and so maybe they perceive me as cold but I am not. I am not irrational (at least not that often) nor am I an emotional basket case. I am pretty solid emotionally. Not perfect but certainly not as dysfunctional as some on the board.

The way I look at it, these women who didn't have the class to give me a polite goodbye or say nothing at all, have proven to me that this is not a healthy environment.

Recently on the boards, 2 other people left. One left because moderators were put in place and she didn't like the idea of that since it was like we were being policed. The other left because she was not wanting to be in this toxic environment.

There definitely is 2 different classes of women on that board. The good kind and the bitches. Crazy bitches. I talked with the woman who left the board last week, as I met her when she came to Toronto and I visited her in New York. She is very New York and she is quite the character. She's like many New Yorkers, tough on the outside but generous towards people. We had talked today about why she left and why I was thinking of leaving. She told me she read my Failed Marriage post and didn't see anything offensive about it and read it several times. They are just projecting their own issues rather then seeing how it might apply to me. I thought I would be polite and put a goodbye post instead of just deleting my account and its post all together. As mentioned in a previous post, I had told her I felt like I have been over defending myself. Which to me means people are attacking me and not trying to understand me. If people do that to me, maybe it's not me with the problem but the others. I was saying some of these people are really dysfunctional so they can't see where I am coming from because they think they are being attacked when really I am just pointing out what is not right. As well, some people enjoy hurting people. I don't. I do not sugarcoat things but I try to be helpful with people. I don't get off on calling a woman insecure. I want people to wake up and realize that they are the ones that are creating their problems.

Truthfully some people are not ready to change and really are not at the level of others. Some are just too dysfunctional and frankly I can't help these people. If you aren't willing to take responsibility for your life and your personality and your character, then no one can really help you.

I really can't justify my time there. I am just so mad at the reactions of others. Truly sad. But then they just criticize me. What people like that typically do, is they use the jargon from the personal growth community and apply it to others to sound smart. The truth is, I walk the walk and they are merely talking the talk to others. Don't tell me I need to develop compassion when you are miserable. Don't tell me how to act or how to be. I am who I am.

Gifts From the Heart

2011-02-18T11:24:00.002-05:00

Greetings all,

My mother notified me last week that there is a group of dental hygienists that take one day of the year to do free dental cleaning fro those without dental benefits. They do this in various cities in Ontario and in Alberta. You can learn about it here.

The day was on Saturday February 12. There was only one place in Toronto and they were doing the cleanings on Sunday so I booked on appointment. I was very grateful to have learned about this because with my last job, I didn't get benefits as I was on contract. I had benefits with the job before that and so had my teeth cleaned on July 2008. My teeth bled a lot as I tend to get minor gingivitis. They always tell you the same thing. Clean and floss daily. I have a wire on the back of my front teeth because I used to wear braces and so it keeps the teeth from moving out of alignment. So I have to floss because I tend to get food stuff in between my teeth, especially when I eat applies. But I don't do it every day, maybe a few times a week. It's annoying to use floss threaders, which is what I need to floss the teeth that have the wire.

I was appreciative towards the hygienist and it really meant a lot to me that there are people out there who do this because I think with the way some business' run, they just don't care about their employees and many people don't get benefits, which I think are essential. The teeth are important and taking care of them to me is just as vital as going to the doctor. Perhaps we'll have socialized dentistry like we do with health care.

I've only had one job where I got benefits and so was used to paying for my cleanings out of my own pocket.

They want to make more people aware of the number of people who don't have dental care and I hope their cause gets more awareness because companies need to start providing this if the government doesn't. I think it's a right that everyone has access to teeth care.

2011-02-16T22:54:00.003-05:00

Greetings all,

I had posted my previous post at the Relationship board that I visit and it seemed to cause some controversy. Some people didn't have an issue with it, but others have, namely those who I think it applies to. It's interesting because my intention was to point out the negative filter some people have about marriage. I frankly think it's disgusting and I for one am fed up of it.

I never said there was something wrong with people who get divorced. Hey it happens but like with everything else in life, you have to take responsibility for it and learn from the experience. Usually people who chose to not take responsibility and deny their emotional responsibility are the bitter and angry ones. I know dealing with pain isn't easy but everyone has to learn to grow up and learn emotional self control and self management.

I didn't comment on my post for a week but someone attacked me on another thread saying it was caustic and that I probably am too chicken to go back to it. The thing is I had my Sat Nam Rasayan workshop on Tuesday and Wednesday, so I had a lot to process emotionally and energetically. I know responding would acquire more thought which I wasn't ready yet to do but after a week I did.

The essence of what I was expressing was that people need to accept their feelings of failure because that is what makes them negative towards something. As well, you can substitute any word for marriage in my post and it would still be applicable because usually when someone 'fails', they are bitter towards that thing. If they succeeded, they obviously wouldn't have the negative filter. I guess I have the tendency to make intuitive leaps but I think I was very insightful.

As well, I had my own experience of failure when I hit 30 and realized my feelings of failure in meditation. I think some people say they don't have these feelings, but I truthfully feel that they are not digging deep enough into themselves because this experience I had, I know in my heart is universal. Failure is just a feeling and when you learn from it and release, you can move forward in your life.

I started commenting on the thread but I started to feel like I was over defending myself so now I haven't been on the boards for 2 days. A woman I met from New York recently quit the boards for reasons she didn't really have time to explain to me yet but for me, I am starting to wonder why do I go there. It was useful in the beginning since I had questions about my dating issues. I don't really post my issues, since I don't think I have any since I'm pretty aware of what to do and I just post my dating escapades, even though there is very little of that going on.

I don't think some people take their inner work as seriously as I do. I use kundalini yoga and meditation on a daily basis. Most of these people don't have some tool. One uses EFT. I know that if you want to really change, you have to find a tool that helps you tap into your emotions and subconscious garbage. We all know stuff intellectually but the problem is in the emotional realm so you can't use the intellect to change an emotional problem.

There are some decent people on the board who I think are successful and a few are married or in serious relationships. Some conversations are insightful.

We recently had someone organize a thread where we anonymously submit positive things to say about members. I actually didn't like some of what was said about me. The two people who are the bullies on the board, had nicer things said about them. Now I don't know how much of that they made up because you could put in compliments for yourself. I didn't because I wanted to keep it pure. Anyways, these were the 'compliments' about me

*is persistent, independent
*is a good person.
*bluntly goes where no one else does, and thus, opens doors for discussions that no one else dares to open. Can be very perceptive at times.
*I really like your indefatigable spirit, romantic idealism, and quest for growth and self-improvement
*can be very insightful and offers new perspectives on things.
*is seriously insightful.
*I admire her for sticking with her principles and her beliefs.

I am a nice person and am sensitive and try to be helpful. I guess no one thinks this, probably because I am direct. I don't care to be described as blunt. It's not really feminine. I guess the only nice thing was being called nice and insightful.

Maybe I've outgrown the site and there is not much else for me to learn. We'll see if I decide to not go. I'm just in the habit of going there daily. But I know I can stop because I stopped when I went to Florida and had no internet access.

As well, I don't feel I can say much to assist and give advice to people. It's basically pretty straight forward. You just focus on your life and being happy and let the man chase. It's not rocket science.

My friend thinks I like the drama but I just complain to her about the drama. I enjoy the non drama and that's probably why I kept going. I am also on an email list for kundalini yoga and I ask questions and generally find that there is little drama. I think some of these women are just too emotional and not rational and I probably just react to that but for sure lately I don't get involved. I guess because they are not on the same page as I am. Anyways, we'll see what happens but I am taking a break from that site. Too much nonsense.

Failed Marriages

2011-02-07T11:23:00.003-05:00

Greetings all,

On the board that I post on, I had made this observation that many women who have previously been married, have a negative view of marriage. Some of us on the board, do not have this negative view because we have not been married and so have not experienced a failed marriage.

The negative view is basically they may be afraid to get married again and so would rather live common law. The second is they think marriage is just a piece of paper and so means nothing. There are other negative views but these are just a few I am pointing out.

This is all false and a lie. Marriage is a very old institute and it has stood the test of time. It has been in place for thousands of years.

What I discovered is that because they had failed, it taints their perception of this. Marriage has been proven to make people happier and live longer. It helps people be more prosperous. Of course, this is only true if you are with the right person.

If you had difficulty riding a bike and failed, you too probably would have a negative view of bikes. You would think, bikes are bad. They are no fun. You don't need a bike to have a good time and feel the exhilaration.

It bothers me that people there had this view and now after thinking out loud, it made sense to me why they have this negative view.

It's because they failed.

Marriage is not just a piece of paper. It is a social convention and getting married is a very public and social act that you show others that you are going to attempt a serious life commitment with another person.

One person mentioned they didn't like people's perception of common law marriage. But the fact is, we all will think common law marriages are just stepping stones. And in fact, living with someone is just that.

I know people who live common law and get married. I know people who have been divorced, lived common law and remarried. There is something to taking that leap into marriage that living common law will never provide, otherwise people would just stay forever common law and be happy with that.

For goodness sakes, even the gay community wants this 'right' that many others insult out of ignorance and their past failure.

I used to get upset at these people but now I know where they get this irrational and negative perception of marriage.

It's because they failed.

Their negative filter will not taint my perception that marriage, a union of two loving and similar souls is a positive thing and a blessing.

Court Time

2011-02-02T19:14:00.002-05:00

Greetings all,

Today I had an appointment with the Ontario Court of Justice. Guess for? A damn parking ticket that my neighbor accidentally gave me. This incident occurred on August 15, 2009 and it takes this long for it to finally get to a court. I think the whole process is long and stupid. I did not pay it and then they send you a letter and I went down to dispute it. You have to fill out some form to set the date. They don't tell you when it is at that point and so back in September I got my notice.

Now what happened is that our parking lot is shared with people who live on the neighboring street. My building uses the half close to us. The other half is private property. I was out on a Friday night and came home probably around 12.30 am. Some one was parked in my spot. We are designated spots and so I decided to park on the other side as there was no where else for me to park. I cannot park on the street after 12, unless I have a permit, otherwise I would get a ticket.

The next day I move my car and notice a ticket on it. I think I was upset and talked to the super about it. Since it was after midnight I didn't want to disturb her over something so trivial as someone taking my spot. She said next time I could call her, regardless of the time. I recorded the license plate the night before and had saved it.

A few days later the neighbor who was responsible for giving me this ticket apologized which I said was okay. I am not sure if he called them saying it was a mistake but I had to go through this process of going to court, which I think was silly. I don't know if the charge could have been dropped.

I took pictures of the parking lot and was getting ready to defend myself. I had saved the license plate number of the offender who was in my spot and put it in my purse so I wouldn't forget it. The next day I checked my purse for it but couldn't find it. I was pretty sure I put it there. I checked my recycling bag where I put my papers in and nothing. I brought it with me to check there and still didn't find it. I have no clue where it went and I was upset because I had saved it for this moment!

I was called up and had my laptop ready to show the pictures and defend myself but then the Ticket Officer must have said something to the guy who calls us up because they basically said my case was dismissed. I was ready to defend myself. What?

I also have another court date to attend and this is what I think is so stupid. I just want my fee reduced as I parked on the street after midnight with no permit. I was out with a friend having coffee so I lost track of time. I went downtown to see if I could arrange for these 2 court appearances to be on the same day and location but they said it couldn't be done. What nonsense. It's bad enough that I had to go out of my way to show myself for something I was innocent of and now I have to go out again. What a waste of time.

I asked the judge about it and they wouldn't do anything about it.

Today it was snowing a lot and so I left an hour early to get there and the drive was terrible as there was so much snow on the roads. I parked on a side street because they only have pay parking there, which again I think is dumb. I had gotten stuck as I was leaving and so I spent about 20 minutes using my pick to dig myself out. It wasn't that bad as it was my right front tire that was stuck since there was so much snow.

The judge was so serious. I am not sure if there was another judge but she was wearing the same outfit as the judge. They both were serious. It's like, dude you guys are just parking ticket judges. You're not dealing with anything really justice worthy. Your dealing with cases where people usually park without a permit or they park in the wrong spot. You have no right to be so serious as this job is really not that important in the grand scheme of things. It's not like you are dealing with murder cases. I'm sure the odd case is more serious but all these infractions are largely minor. Smile for goodness sake!

Love Triangle 2

2011-02-02T11:10:00.002-05:00

Greetings all,

I had mentioned about this guy in my meetup group who was interested in me and the organizer. Someone in the group had invited us to dinner for the Chinese New Year and he happened to be there. The next day he emails me if I want to cuddle. I replied that I think that night was a mistake and that I do not foresee any cuddling in the future. He then replies he does care about me the most in the group (did you happen to say this to the organizer as well?) and that he does feel drawn to me but does not think it will work out (did you say the same thing to the organizer?)

I had some friends tell me to ignore the email but I just responded that I think we should stay friends. I really don't want this kind of person in my life and he has some traits that I don't like. He's okay as a friend but that's it.

I know a boundary was broke when we cuddled, but where does he get the nerve to ask for it? Loyalty is important to me and he doesn't seem like he knows what he wants. Men are just so weird.

* * *
I had a job interview on Monday and I think today was the day I should hear from them if I am going to get a second interview. So far I have not heard from them, so I figured I did not get the job. I said I should find a job by February and I haven't. I am getting really fed up with my job search and this has been the worst winter of my life. The stress of not having a job and no money and the stress from being sleepy all the time with my seasonal affective disorder, I just want to put a bullet to my brain. I've had enough. I see no light at the end of this tunnel.

I went to see a counselor on Friday and she said I have mild depression. They will put me on SSRI for my SAD. I had said isn't it too late for me to go on medications since it takes about 4 weeks for it to kick in. By that time, my symptoms will be gone. I checked my journal and I don't mention when I start feeling better but I think by March I feel better.

I am tempted to buy the Valkee product that is like a walkman that emits light into your ear but I want to see more data on its effectiveness before getting it. There are some positive reviews but negative ones as well. I have a lightbox and that helps a bit but not enough. Maybe this product would work more effectively for me? I am on a tight budget as well so I'm just really cautious.

Meditation

2011-01-28T16:05:00.002-05:00

Greetings all,

I tend to do 40 day disciplines and so am good at sticking to them. Some people have a hard time doing them because it is about breaking your karma and sometimes there is resistance to that.

I am doing 3 meditations that I learned at my sat nam rasayan workshop and my 40 days will be up on the 6th of February. Usually when I am nearing the end, I think of what to work on next and so the past few days I have been feeling nervous about what to do because I wanted to work on a meditation that would help me with my issues and current problems.

I had previously worked with the ganpattee kriya for just over a year and that has helped me a lot. I tried it for 11 minutes a few days ago but didn't feel drawn to it. I think I wanted to work with it again because it helped in the past but I wasn't feeling drawn to it. I think for me I was looking at past success to determine my future which sometimes doesn't work.

I also worked with sat kriya for just over 6 months and that helped alot. Again, I didn't feel drawn to it.

So I thought - with reluctance - that since I am still in the middle of a discipline, that I need to delve into it because with the 3 meditations, I felt like not much was happening. I felt release when I first used them, but not much lately.

I just let go with my wanting to find the next meditation and I found it was a cathartic meditation. I guess even when you think there is nothing to let go, you still can.

Overvaluing Self

2011-01-25T11:59:00.002-05:00

Greetings all,

One thing I occasionally notice on the message board that I post on, sometimes women seem to have this tendency to overvalue themselves. I mean, I think it's great to think you have value and are 'expensive' and thus supposed to be treated with respect but sometimes I wonder what quality are these women? I mean, I don't know them too much and I can only go by what is posted.

One woman whom has always been a trouble maker on the board has this over inflated sense of self and is a bit of a bully. It's actually common for bullies to overestimate their talents. This woman thinks she is hot. I have seen her picture on facebook and she is far from hot. She has what is known as 'butter face'. Everything is nice about her but her face. She thinks she is smart. She is not. She makes claims but doesn't support them and expects you to do the research. Honey, it does not work like that. If you make a statement, you are the one that is obligated to prove its validity not label others as lazy if they do not do the research you are supposed to do.

Now I think love can bloom with all sorts of people. Boring people find love. Dumb people find love. Ugly, boring and dumb people find love. We all know that like attracts like. So obviously someone like me is seeking a hot, silly genius man.

I think at the end of the day, it's about finding someone whom is compatible with your personality. Everyone had a different personality. I may think someone is incredibly dumb or lazy but they can hook up with someone who thinks they are great and smart. It's all relative.

Birds of a feather flock together.

As well, when someone overvalues themselves, they sometimes need to ask themselves what they bring to a relationship. Of course, men really need to be the ones that prove themselves first but sometimes men hook up with substandard women but yet these women may need to make some inner changes to get to a standard level. I guess it's just easier to look at someone and see what's wrong with them, rather then looking at what you need to work on. The bottom line is that I have strengths and weaknesses and the people around me have strengths and weaknesses.

I think if you want to be treated like royalty, then one needs to have the inner qualities as well and show respect to others.

This Week

2011-01-21T13:14:00.002-05:00

Greetings all,

This week sucked for me as I was getting sick on Monday night and had spent most of the day at the library job searching. I had a sore throat and fever. I missed my book group on Tuesday night and Wednesday my fever went down. Today I am out and job searching again but this morning I had a coughing fit so I can't really strain my voice with too much talking.

Usually, like most people, when I get sick, I get depressed and discouraged so this week I didn't feel good and I feel hopeless about my job situation. I don't know what to do with myself either. I just am anti-school but it's time I figure out what to do with myself. I just think it's not fair. I have enough troubles in my life and this week again I felt deserted.

I hate not having much money and being on such a tight budget. I just don't get life sometimes.

Woe is me!

Rooftop Walking

2011-01-21T12:38:00.002-05:00

Greetings all,

I had this dream either this week or last week but it was a dream where I was walking on rooftops. For some reason they were primarily connected and it was actually not easy to walk on some of them. I remember at one point I had to leap to the other building as it was probably 5 feet apart and so I did a running jump. It was quite risky and I potentially could have died. There was some steep terrain as well so it wasn't easy.

Today I dreamed that I was doing this again but this time my mother was meeting me from the other direction and I remember thinking how terrible it would be for my mother to make that leap as I barely made it. I was thinking, I am too old for this and didn't want to go through all this difficulty walking. Too old for leaping... now I know I am getting old. Even in my dreams I am being conservative. Apparently my mother figured another way around it.

I don't know if I figured out what to do in another dream but at some point I thought about the dream while in a dream state and I realized that I don't have to do this and that I could just get to my destination by walking on the ground. Pretty simple.

I don't know if this means my subconscious is making some shift but I do feel like I don't want a life where I am rooftop climbing because I want to take an easier road. I think it is representing on some level that in some part of my life I am making things difficult by trying too hard. That's my theory. We'll see what happens.

Pretty Girls

2011-01-19T12:00:00.004-05:00

Greetings all,

I had previously written about pretty girls but I will probably go more into it. As mentioned, I don't consider myself classically pretty but because I've worked on my confidence I believe that I am hot and so I am not threatened by the 'pretty' girls.

The thing that irks me is that many men get distracted by the Pretty and they all go after that girl who is the prettiest of the bunch. They don't seem to realize that they at the same time are competing with many other men who want this girl. If they had enough intelligence, maybe they would go for the lesser pretty girls but who had interesting personalities and were probably a better catch overall.

I know guys have seen the same thing. Girls going after the pretty boy. I know for me, I want someone who has an interesting personality. I am not blinded by good looks like many men are.

The way I see it, if people want to be so superficial and go for the pretty one, they get what they deserve. They may not be compatible with the person and it may not work out for them. As well, if you are the pretty one you may not be a nice person because what I find is that pretty people can get away with being mean and being thoughtless. All because they look pretty. Now not all pretty people are like that but you definitely get way with more and get judged less harshly then someone who is less attractive. They've done studies on this as well. We think people who are pretty are good but in reality they may not be.

Going after someone who is pretty may blind you to their other flaws. In the beginning you can overlook these flaws because they are so pretty and you are so attracted to them but at some point, you have have to probe into their soul just a little bit more to see the truth of whom they are. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses but someone who is pretty can deceive you based on this one 'strength' of looks, of being pretty.

I have written out a list a while ago about what I want in a man and they are all inner qualities. I do list that I want an attractive man, but that is general and it is not limiting because what I find attractive can be broad. Some people get so fussy about what they want physically but it is nuts. They want someone who is a certain height or with certain eye colours and it's largely superficial. Then they wonder why they are single.

It's the old, don't judge a book by its cover.

I've been overlooked before by men and yes it probably did bother me but now at my age, I know that people that overlook me and do not appreciate me for the person I am are just a waste of my time. I can see my hotness and if others can't, they are just losers in my book (or dumb).

Love Triangle

2011-01-17T12:29:00.006-05:00

Greetings all,

I have some drama to report in my personal life. Since I'm not into drama, I choose to no longer engage with the situation. Anyways, I am an assistant organizer for a group on meetup and it's for introverts. It's been interesting to meet so many introverts but the problem that happens is that they are too much like me in that they can be too quiet. I don't like being the one that initiates things but with a group that has the tendency to be quiet, sometimes you have to initiate conversations. Anyways sometimes it's easy to get people talking, especially if some of us are more extraverted introverts. I find some of them are extremely introverted whereas I am more balanced but still an introvert. I don't feel a need to talk all the time but then I am a doer so I would rather get active.

Well here's some of the drama. One guy I have a crush on. There really aren't too many guys that I like anyways and I use meetup for socializing, not pick up. He flirts back with me and one time tried to kiss me outside of my car as I was getting into my car. The problem with that was that I had the organizer of the group in my car as I was going to drive her home and I don't think it's appropriate to kiss someone for the first time if there is someone else there. So I didn't reciprocate the kiss. The organizer and I are friendly and she went with me to Scranton.

I went out with a few people from the group on Friday, outside of meetup and we hung out at Tim's and then they closed and we decided to go to someone's else. I cuddled the girl of the house as we have some bond. If we were lesbians, we probably would date. Then one of the guys left and it was the three of us. I cuddled with the guy I had a crush on for a while. Now I know I probably shouldn't have but I know in my mind that he probably isn't right for me. As my friend told me afterwards, he would be a Mr. Right Now, not Mr. Right. But I knew that and was hoping maybe to date for a bit to see where it goes. The thing with crushes is that sometimes they never lead anywhere but sometimes they may. He seemed to enjoy it and I did too. My friend was amused by our cuddling

The next day there was a meetup to go dancing. I organized it because my birthday was a few days ago. A few of us went and by the end of the night four of us were left. The organizer is pretty so most of the guys in our group think she is hot. I think she's pretty but I wouldn't call her hot. I'm not threatened either by her looks because I am fairly confident in myself. I know I was never a conventional beauty and I don't really think of myself as pretty but I know I'm hot and I think highly of myself. There's always going to be some girl out there who is prettier then me that all the guys flock to. Guys can be dumb sometimes. They get distracted by the pretty. Now the organizer isn't mean or anything. She's nice and quiet. I have nothing against her. I think she just needs more spunk, more fire. I think many people in that group need spunk and fire.

So the guy I have a crush on admitted while we were cuddling the other day that he likes the organizer. I didn't know what to make of that since I look at what a guy does, not what he says. He flirts with me a lot and was cuddling with me. Not saying there's a relationship and I don't feel entitled but there is obviously something there. Why are you cuddling me then if you like her? I wasn't sure if he was afraid to admit maybe he had a thing for me.

So he dances with me a bit and then dances with her a bit but probably more with me. And I thought at the time, maybe to not make her feel left out. At the end of the night they separate from the group and go off dancing. They are maybe 6 feet away from me and I was getting angry at the both of them. I kept it cool and then eventually they came back and I felt like leaving since it was late anyways. We did and he offered to drive us home. I said I'd just take the streetcar home because I didn't want a drive from him after how he acted. So he dropped her home and the other guy in the group was waiting with me at the streetcar stop.

I ended up talking the next day with the girl whose house we went to and let her know what happened. We hung out later on in the afternoon and she had people over and we had dinner. We talked about what was going on. I had thought about quitting and leaving the group because of this but I knew I couldn't just be impulsive and react. I do have to talk to the organizer first.

I think by the end of the night I probably felt more anger to the guy. I will have to speak to the organizer because maybe she just went with him and he was the one that 'dragged' her away from the rest of us. I definitely believe that women have to stick together and not let a man ruin their friendship but I will probably talk to her on Wednesday as I am a little angry and don't want to explode. Or maybe tonight. She is obviously aware of the flirting and thought maybe there was something going on. Last week some of us met up for coffee and we had learned they went to a movie together. Maybe she thought it was innocent but he probably is looking for more and is probably playing the both of us.

This guy is clearly a player and I definitely will not hang out with him anymore outside of the group. I know for me, I want a guy to pursue me, not be interested in more then one person. I want to be #1. I want someone who only has eyes for me and me only.

I don't think the organizer is interested in him so I now just think he is a bone head.

I've had this happen to me with my first boyfriend and I found out after things didn't work out that he was interested in my friend and tried to hit on her. This was the summer after we finished high school so I think what this guy is doing is just so high school and juvenile. I think guys don't realize that women talk to each other and some of them aren't stupid and trade information.

I certainly believe women have to stick together. Chicks before dicks is what I say. We can't let men get in the way of the friendship.

Sat Nam Rasayan

2011-01-14T12:13:00.002-05:00

Greetings all,

I had mentioned that I am practicing Sat Nam Rasayan(SNR), which is basically a healing technique in kundalini yoga. It is different from Reiki in that there is no exchanging of energy and it is about not reacting when working on a partner and just being observant and being in the state of shuniya, which means to be neutral.

I took a workshop by Hari Nam Singh back in October and he is coming again back in Toronto, which I will probably take. Someone in the workshop asked if it could be arranged to practice this and so eventually that got started up so on Sundays I go and practice the meditations and the partner work that we did in the workshop. The workshop was 3 hours but the practice session is 1.5 hours so some things get shortened.

We get to practice the 3 meditations given in the workshop and in between, we would work with a partner. We sit next to them and then put ourselves into the meditative state.

I find the experience almost puzzling, because a few times I would have some weird experiences being in the healer position. For example, last week I was coughing at the end of the session. We had an odd number so 3 of us were in a group. The week before that my head felt like it was hardening and that I felt something was pushing my head to the right. My head wasn't moving but I was just experiencing this weird sensation in my head, which I don't understand. Is this a reaction to my partner? I feel as well that I am being healed while I am in the healer position, which is probably what I find most puzzling about this practice. I had emailed the instructor and basically he said to just accept the feeling. I know for me, I want more of an explanation of what is going on.

According to SNR, what causes sickness or suffering is how our body reacts to the stimulus outside. So we only really perceive our reactions to things. I find there is some truth to this. I have noticed practicing this is helping to take my practice to another level and that I observing more how my mind reacts to various events.

The other concept as well that we learn through practicing is that we can affect change to the person who needs the healing through the deep meditative and observing state. I think if we realize that we create all these problems just because of how we react to things. If we just learn to be still and relax and not react, we might actually have less problems in the world.

Dream

2011-01-12T12:20:00.002-05:00

Greetings all,

This is my first post of the new year. Happy New Years! I had a dream on the Epiphany that I went to the Summer Solstice event in New Mexico and my dad was there. I took that as a sign that maybe I should go to the Summer event since I went to the Winter event.

I had another weird dream the other day where Will Smith was wanting to have sex with me. He was rather persistent and I had told him no. I was tempted but I told him no since he was already married. I wonder what this means. I'm not really attracted to Will Smith in real life but find him funny and was a fan of his show The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

I was telling my friend that now that I've gone so long without sex that I've hit that threshold where now I don't obsess about it or care for it. I just give up I guess in my search. What happens is that I hit a certain point where I can't take having it anymore and then I have dreams about it, which further aggravates my sexual frustration.

I do not like being sexually inactive. My body is hot and I am just getting older. It's a waste that no one is taking advantage of it. I'm just not living to my sexual potential.

I've tried looking and the process is as frustrating as finding a boyfriend. The truth is men don't just fuck anyone. Men just act like, we'll fuck anything that moves and that is bullshit. They have to be drunk probably to fuck anything that moves.

I'm currently on eharmony for 3 months but I might just cancel it as I feel I can't be bothered to find a man. I have other things to concern myself with and I've lost a lot of motivation in finding someone. It just seems like an impossible task.

Key Chain

2010-12-29T11:11:00.003-05:00

Greetings all,

I was at the Hamilton airport earlier last week as I was flying to Florida. I had purchased a key chain that I found there. It lists a birthday and then says what traits go with that. My birthday is January 13 and it describes those born on that day as follows:

Those born on January 13 are very goal oriented and strive for upward mobility; devoted to self-improvement, often having a remarkable memory and great sense of optimism. They can be opinionated and stubborn yet are lively and never boring.

I had thought this described me to a tee, especially the last sentence since I am opinionated and lively. I think because I have a good memory as well, people might see that if I bring something up from the past, it means I am petty. It does not. It just means I remember things accurately. I am just gifted with a good memory.

Winter Solstice

2010-12-27T09:45:00.002-05:00

Greetings all,

I decided to take a week off and participate in a kundalini yoga winter solstice event. It takes place in Florida so it was a chance for me to get some sunlight and take a spiritual vacation as well.

I was tired a lot as 3 of the days were spent doing white tantric yoga where we have a partner. In the mornings we did 3 62 minute meditations and the afternoon was around 2 62 minutes meditations and maybe one or 2 31 minute meditations. There were slight variations during the 3 days with the number of meditations we were doing. We did different ones too and didn't repeat them. Most of them involved locking eyes with our partner. I noticed by the end of the last meditation that I felt pain more on my right side. According to yogic philosophy, the right side is the male energy and left is female so right is about giving and left is about receiving. I might have to work on being more giving and clearing the blocks. I'll probably ask the email group I am in about this to get some more experienced perspective. I heard some people experienced a lot of emotions coming up during the first day but for me, since I did a lot of clearing at home this year, I didn't have that sort of experience. I probably felt more physical pain rather then emotional pain. My mind was fairly calm during the 3 days. After the first day I had a pain in my right hip and on the third day during a meditation some pain was experienced around my right shoulder. They were offering workshops during the rest of the days and in one workshop, I noticed again there was some pain and discomfort on my right shoulder area.

At the end of the tantric portion, I felt I had to really muster my strength to do the second last meditation as the last one just involved holding our partner's hand so that was easy. I felt at the 2nd last one while on break, the concept of 'all for one and one for all'.

I feel pretty good now and had a great time. I think with all the kriyas and meditations we did, it'll take a few days to process all that energy. I really liked it since the week before Christmas, people get all stressed about buying gifts and they waste so much energy on materialism when this time of year (the winter solstice) has so much spiritual energy. It's too bad people are not sensitive to that but get suckered into the nonsense.

I sent out a lot of resumes the week before I left so I saw that someone called me so I will have to call them back to arrange for an interview.

I miss the sun though. It's dark here in Hamilton as I am staying at le Hotel Parents and there's some snow here. But it's good to be back in 'civilization'

There was the option of camping in a tent or staying in a cabin but I chose to tent it. It was cold at night but my sleeping bag was warm once I realized that if I put my blanket inside my bag, it would help. The first night I had my blanket over my bag and I think the heat is retained better once it was inside.

The next day after we finished the 3 days of white tantric yoga, a woman who was tenting near me was yelling at I am guessing her boyfriend. I guess work like this can bring out stuff you don't want to deal with and she was basically complaining about the relationship and called him an asshole. I was laughing a bit to myself as I thought this was not really the appropriate way to handle your anger, especially in a spiritual environment. I didn't hear the man yell back...

I had thought if he's an asshole, then why are you with him? Take responsibility for your choice in a man.

They have a summer solstice event in New Mexico and usually more people show up, usually over 2000 people. Here there was probably around 500.

As an introvert, I found it hard to socialize as there was so many people it's overwhelming. I met one woman from my previous retreat in Atlanta so I was more chatty with her. I think if I were to see these people again I might open up more. The conversation usually was just about where are you from, how long have you been doing kundalini. Nothing really too deep.

You have to do 'karma' yoga as well to help out and mine was being a veggie chopper. I managed to survive a week without internet, Nutella and no meat. I had thought I had an internet addiction but I guess it's just a habit since I can survive without it. We had a special Christmas eve dinner. On the white tantric days we got a vegetarian burger so that was a nice change. We basically ate the same foods every day. Breakfast was a soup made with onions, potatoes and celery. Dinner was mung beans, hot sauce (basically something made with onions), beets (which I didn't eat) and salad. Lunch was quinoa tabuleh and potatoes.

I brought chocolate raisins as a snack and they had a bazaar so I managed to finish my chocolate and bought some organic chocolate and kale chips, which were actually tasty.

Overall I enjoyed myself even though I didn't do too much socializing.

Men

2010-12-16T14:53:00.002-05:00

Greetings all,

More thoughts on men from me. I think this was the year I was hoping to find the right man and it looks like that didn't happen. When I thought about it, it bothered me. How many years have I been wanting to find the right man and it doesn't happen? I just think now I don't care anymore. I don't know if that's a sign of maturity or a sign that I just don't think it will happen.

I don't have a lot of guys after me and it makes me wonder. I mean, I know I am good looking and I think I'm great but you would think that would translate into having a lot of suitors, which is not the case for me. Some people seem surprised I am single but I'm not desperate and am not just going to settle. Sometimes I think I should but it's not really my style.

I'm just trying to listen to my intuition but I am not getting any clear signals. I think I am wasting my time on on-line dating and I doubt I will be successful but I will try anyways. I am least want to feel like I am doing something and being proactive.

Parents

2010-12-16T14:12:00.003-05:00

Greetings all,

My parents annoy me. I had went down to visit them this weekend as we had a family lunch in honour of my grandma who passed away since we would usually get together on her birthday and celebrate Christmas as a family with my aunt and uncle and my 2 cousins and their family.

I as well had a sleep study done which I didn't like. My doctor is making me take this since I have went back in September to see her about feeling sleepy. I had blood work done and do have low iron. I know it's seasonal affective disorder since I feel normal around March since the days are getting longer again.

First of all, the sleep clinic called me a few weeks before the appointment but they never left a message. I thought this was strange since no one called to confirm my appointment the week before. When I got there they said I wasn't on the list. I had told them that no one left a message, I just saw they called. Their notes said someone left a message. Obviously this means that someone didn't do their job!

Luckily there was a bed available for me. I had to wait quite a while before the technician started getting me ready. I had all these wires hooked up to my head and then I had one wire on each leg and two on my chest. I had some piece on my left index finger which measures oxygen levels. I get some nose test shoved up my nose and then I get some mic attached tot check if I snore.

Now I normally sleep at midnight and wake up at 8. I think I went to bed by 11 and I would be woken up by 6. I don't know how long it took me to fall asleep but I woke up probably around 5. I didn't know what time it was as I was trying to get back to sleep but then the technician came in to wake me up.

We had to fill out a questionnaire and one of the questions was how was your sleep, was it better or worse then usual. I wrote that yes my sleep was worse than usual but it was because of all the wires. How can you sleep like that?

I won't find out for a few weeks what the results are. I was asking my technician about the job and I find it ironic that they work nights and can't sleep in order to test our sleeping.

Anyways, this brings me back to my parents and how they annoy me. I stayed with my parents another night and for supper my mother made ravioli soup. I was eating my salad and continued to use my fork to eat the soup. My mother was getting upset at me and wondered why I wasn't using a spoon. I said, what's the big deal as ravioli is something you can eat with a fork or spoon. She was saying how I need to drink the broth with a spoon and then I said I can just drink from the bowl. Then somehow this conversation led to how my mother thinks I am difficult and that I can't get along with people.

I challenged her conventional belief and I still don't know how we got onto this topic. I mean, really why can't she just accept that this was how I chose to eat my soup in this moment of time. She had to be a brat and comment on it.

I frankly would not want to be with a man like my mother. I want to be accepted for who I am not lectured or made to feel bad all because of how I eat my soup. How trivial! Here I am trying to understand the world and what kind of contribution I can make to society and she demonstrates this petty mentality.

My dad as well complains that I don't eat enough vegetables. All the time. Hey I eat what I want to eat. Then he complains about the holes I have in my socks. Some of my socks have developed holes and I have taken my sweet time in getting rid of them mainly because I don't like throwing things out.

I don't nag them like they nag me. I don't like how my mother is obsessed with food and acquiring food books. I don't nag my dad about the smoking that he does and how he should quit or how he watches too much tv.

We all know nagging doesn't work. And when you nag it just means you don't accept the person for whom they are. I guess I will have to nag them about how they nag too much.

Eharmony

2010-12-15T15:16:00.002-05:00

Greetings all,

I am back on eharmony, although just for 3 months. I noticed they had a 3 month special so I thought I'd try it again since I did meet someone whom I liked although it never went anywhere since he lived in England and didn't seem serious about wanting a relationship. I know on the site there are people who start out long distance and it works out so I decided to not limit my search. Most of my matches are local anyways. So far no dates yet.

I've had a few people close me out and it does suck to be rejected. I am the woman, I am the one who is supposed to reject!

Some guys I thought maybe would be interesting to meet but they would close me as a match. I wonder if some of them are making a mistake but judging so prematurely. How can you really be certain that you are picking the right people online? How do you know if you are rejecting someone who might be right for you?

I've tried online dating for so long and I know it does work. I am okay with being alone and I think I just don't care anymore if I find someone. I'm not really sure if I feel negative about my chances about finding the right person

Let's Get Physical

2010-12-15T15:10:00.002-05:00

Greetings all,

I noticed when I took advantage of my free week at a fitness center for women that it made me feel better doing some cardio and physical workouts. I enjoy doing kundalini and it definitely has some physical benefits but doing more high intensity workouts gave me a bit of a boost.

My seasonal affective disorder is making me so sleepy that at 1.30 I was yawning. I think I was still sleepy when I worked out but at least I felt a bit energized.

I think I've decided that I'll take advantage of other gyms that offer group classes like zumba or cardio. So far the few I've looked at give you a 7 day trial or a 3 day so I think I will try that since I have to watch my money since I am still looking for work.

* * *
Last week I had a job interview so it's been my second in my search. Tomorrow I have a phone interview with another company so we will see how that happens. I am so bored with myself so I just want to work again and have more money coming in.

The Boards

2010-12-04T12:12:00.003-05:00

Greetings all,

I'm sure I've written about how I am on some board for women to talk about relationships. I think I have mentioned there were primarily 2 people who seemed to get everyone the most riled up and seem to be the rudest. They happen to be good friends as well on the board so they haven't turned against each other.

I probably am more sympathetic to one of them as I think she is probably more intelligent and so I am less offended by her whereas the other to me seems like a red neck. She has bragged at one time that she slept with so many famous musicians when she was young as she was a groupie and she was quite proud of this 'accomplishment'. Frankly I don't understand why banging so many men is an accomplishment because it's not. Just because they are famous doesn't mean anything. If you follow them around enough they'll give in just because you're there, not because you are special.

This woman annoys me the most. I guess my previous post was about another woman who lives in England. These 2 live in Texas (although not originally from there) so it just reinforces all the negative stereotypes we Canadians have of Americans (namely they are dumb and violent, which is not always the case).

She recently put up a post apologizing to people on the board. I initially thought it was a bogus apology but didn't say anything for a few days. I had enough of her posts and didn't see a change and had to comment. As well there was previous discussion about getting a moderator and since these 2 people are primarily the trouble makers, I had figured the woman who owns the board probably spoke to them and she just posted the apology as a good faith act to show that she isn't a complete bitch.

Lo and behold, all these people comment on this thread and my one 'negative' comment lead to much discussion, which I hadn't followed. I guess I am assuming I stirred the pot. I think I am entitled to expressing my opinion if I think an apology is a bogus one. I think it's more important to act sorry and change your behaviour. How many politicians apologize and it's meaningless? In improv a rule is: show me don't tell me.

This woman to me, has to show us she is sorry. Words don't mean anything. I think I have the right to be skeptical towards her. I have good reason. I have seen how nasty and pompous she can be on the boards. People just need to accept the fact that when you apologize, maybe not everyone is going to accept it. It's their right. You as the apologizer have to accept this and keep on living your life and maybe they will turn around and start believing you. I only trust people when I see their actions match their words. When I don't see the actions match the words, I don't give them anything. They are not worth my energy. People seem to forget that they have to earn respect. You can't abuse people and then suddenly think they will forgive you if you say a few little words. Words hurt. Sometimes people say, oh it's just a board. As true as that it, there are people behind these boards. Some are being real and others just use it as a place to hide.

I am starting to wonder why I go on the boards. In my real life, I have no drama and make no excuses for drama. But here there is some drama and I try to not engage in it but sometimes I just have to speak out about what I perceive is crossing the line or bullshit.

Lately, I have been having a hard time with my seasonal affective disorder and being out of work so I am more prone to irritableness but there is a difference between someone being a nice person with bitchy moments and someone who is a bitch with nice moments. I think I am the former and the other woman, the later.

I will have to think about what I get out of that board. I just don't understand some of the cattiness. I know I've been annoyed by some people but I really see an injustice and so have to speak out.

Deserted

2010-12-03T16:33:00.002-05:00

Greetings all,

I have had another rough week. I am getting tired of job searching and I am losing faith that my life will ever improve. In other words, I feel deserted. I feel like the universe has abandoned me. I have not heard from any employer for an interview. Nothing from temp agencies. Just this silence.

I applied for the Toronto Fringe festival but I never got a spot. I should take this as a sign that I should just quit. Why bother trying anymore?

I hate my ex-boss for letting me go. Am I just singled out because I'm single? Do they think it's easier for a single person to be unemployed then someone with a family? Because it's not. At least if I had a family, I'd have a husband to support me emotionally and mentally. On my own, I just have me and I have not much to give.

What do you want from me world? Why does my life meet with constant frustration? Why are others leading better lives? Why am I living in poverty? When will my needs be met?

Annoying Neighbor Part 2

2010-11-25T14:21:00.005-05:00

Greetings all,

My elderly neighbor has been bothering me again. Last week she had to go to the rehab centre across the street and she asked me to take her, which I agreed to, mainly out of guilt. She wanted me to stay with her which I thought was ridiculous. I may be out of work but I have my own life. I don't think this was fair how she has been treating me.

I had spoken to the super and she had said she's given her information on government services that can help her but she didn't seem to take the suggestions. It's not my responsibility to help her. She has no family and her sisters live in Winnipeg (so she says).

I've seen ads about abuse towards the elderly but they do not talk about how the elderly abuse others. She came by my place again today and asked me to take her to the rehab centre. I gave her some phone numbers to contact and she was getting mad and not listening to me. I refused to help her this time around and she said I was not going to go to heaven.

I'm just going to have to ignore her. I am hoping she leaves me alone. This is abuse as far as I am concerned. She has no right to harass me. She seems to have this entitlement mentality and she has to realize that there are resources for her and she's going to have to utilize them and stop pestering the neighbors.

I had spoken to the super again today and she said she already told her a few days ago to not bother me. I guess she didn't listen. I really have zero tolerance for this type of drama. Why do some of these elders think they can place these unrealistic expectations on others?

I will just have to ignore her. It makes me regret helping her with small favours in the first place because now she just thinks she can ask me for anything and that I will not object. I think all of this could have been avoided had I not been willing to help her with small things. Sometimes with some people, once you give them help once, they expect it always. The ol' give 'em an inch and they take a mile.

2010-11-25T12:51:00.004-05:00

Greetings all,

I was at a mixed drinks convention back in the summer where you basically get to sample all sorts of different alcoholic drinks. I'm not really a drinker so this was me stepping out of my comfort zone. I so don't understand why people are so into drinking. I would try various drinks and enjoyed some of them but I don't think I'd want to waste my money on making these at home. Maybe it is because I am cheap. Or simple. But I am content with drinking ginger-ale and my water!

Anyways, I got a free week at a fitness centre for women. They do various classes like pole dancing, stripping dances, zumba, boxing, etc. Basically they have a variety of fun classes but just for women. The company was doing a demonstration and they were giving out these free week passes. I had finally gotten around to using it as I want to make sure I can attend as many free classes as possible.

Last night I went and took my first zumba class. I think this was the most challenging class for me and I was losing my energy probably at the last 10 minutes. I sweated a lot and worked my heart a lot. I had half hour breaks between my classes so the next was boxing. For about 10 minutes we did tai-bo type exercises and then did partner work where we would do punches, jabs, hooks, upper cuts and kicks. As the partner, we would have to wear punching gloves so our partner used that as a target. At least doing that I could rest a little so I didn't find this class too strenuous. As well, there were some kundalini yoga exercises where we would have to punch continuously so I've built up endurance for that and that skill seemed to be transferable.

My last class was a sexy strip dancing and we were learning a dance routine to a Patty Labelle song. I was laughing during it because it's really not my style to be dancing like that and to be seductive. I was being a bit of a dork but who can take doing this so seriously? Are we trying to seduce a man? If that were the case, I'd just make him some dinner and tell him how right he is! I don't see the point of shimmying my hips or doing floor work where I spread my legs.

I'm going tonight to take an MTV choreography class. I might consider going to something like this once in a while. Right now money is an issue. I certainly think it is a more interesting way to get some cardio and get your heart rate up. With my kundalini, I can get my heart rate up but I do not sweat much or get sweaty. Maybe I'm not much of a sweater.

Annoying Neighbor

2010-11-16T16:54:00.002-05:00

Greetings all,

I have an elderly lady neighbor and she gets annoying at times. I don't see her often but since I've been home more because I'm not working, I tend to see her more. Now I don't think it's right for people to automatically sympathize with the elderly.

Some people are just annoying and we shouldn't just give them sympathy because they are old now. They probably were equally annoying when they were young. I can think of many young people and coworkers, who are annoying. One day they will become old and be annoying to those younger then them.

Sometimes this neighbor will ask for help on small things. Like one time she wanted help on opening the lid on some item. She was doing it wrong so I showed her how to do it. I generally am willing to help once and a while. If it becomes a habit, then she should consider going into a retirement home because I and others who live in the same building, can't be expected to always help her.

I had gotten a few grocery items for her last week that she missed on her trip as I had planned to go as well to get some groceries. She was complaining to me earlier about the neighbor who takes out her recycling and her garbage. She said the neighbor wouldn't take them out right away. Now I saw in her recycling bin, there was one item - a milk carton. She also said she would take out her garbage twice a week. I live alone as well and it probably takes me 2 weeks to fill a garbage bag.

I started lecturing to her about being environmentally responsible because she was producing too much garbage and that there was no need to take out garbage twice a week. Then she was complaining about how animals would get to the garbage if it wasn't taken out. Excuse me, but you live in an apartment. There are no animals that would get to your garbage. They only get to it if it's outside.
No wonder the neighbor doesn't always take out her items!

I wait until my recycling bin gets full and then I take it outside. Tuesday night is when they take out the garbage so I tend to empty it out on Wednesday, after it's been emptied.

So this elderly woman is just bitching about something when really she needs to be more considerate about the neighbor who helps her out. Instead of expecting others to serve you and accommodate you, maybe you are the one that has to change. Regardless of how old you are.

I think she needs to socialize more. I would think being isolated leads to this type of ignorant and self centered thinking.

Comedy Class Show

2010-11-14T20:01:00.002-05:00

Greetings all,

I had my stand up comedy class show on Thursday and it went well. The instructor had her 2 classes in one show so it was broken up into 2 parts. I was the first person in the second half and we had two different hosts. My friends and I didn't like the host for the second half as we thought she was not funny and was being shocking but with no punchline or jokes. She would talk about her rape fantasy and mostly sexual stuff. One of her jokes was how someone told her she wasn't damaged enough to be a comic, but there was really no joke. This just seemed like a premise. I think if that's the style (shocking) that she's going to stick with, she'd better work to make it more clever because it's not interesting for the audience and it made some people in the audience uncomfortable.

I was told by the instructor's wife (she's a lesbian) that I was the highlight of the show. The thing is that I've been doing this for 2 years and for most of these women, this is their first show. So yes, I should hope I am the better of the performers.

The host introduced me in, what maybe was an insulting manner, I couldn't tell. She said that I needed therapy (I'm guessing she was trying to be funny, but it didn't seem like it) and when I got on I said that I did but that I would rather have a rim job. The host joked that she gave someone a rim job as penance so I thought I'd play off on that.

I did well on my set and actually improvised a line that made one of my jokes funnier. I forgot one of my jokes. I am not sure why I bombed on the Sunday but I definitely think it was related to the energy work and to the yoga class I had. I probably didn't feel like performing and just wanted to be alone and maybe the audience picked up on that.

But I figured as well that I shouldn't let one show get me down. The flip side is that I shouldn't let one good show keep me up. I think it helps to pace yourself. Sort of like Dollar Cost Averaging.

Bombed

2010-11-09T10:54:00.002-05:00

Greetings,

I had a show at Second City but it was not organized by SC, but just the space was used. They created a facebook page which said the show started at 8 pm. When I got there, it was already starting and apparently the show was to start at 7 pm.

It wasn't a big deal that I arrived late. Earlier on that day, I was doing Sat Nam Rasayan work. I took a workshop a few weeks ago by Hari Nam Singh, from Los Angeles. We used partners and did individual work during the 3 hour workshop. Someone asked about having a regular class to practice and continue the work we learned so that started up on the Sunday. It's just for 1.5 hours. After that I decided to stay for a kundalini yoga class and then I went home.

I don't know if the fact I did alot of energy work affected my performance. As well I do feel sleepier with the shorter days, it affects my memory. I did my set and I tried this technique someone said when doing a talk. She said to anchor your feet and breathe in and pause. I tried that and sighed. Maybe that threw off the audience. I don't know what happened. I just didn't connect with them. I think I didn't want to be there either because I think I just wanted to be alone but I had booked this already so I didn't want to bail.

I might have got a couple of laughs but it was by far the most awkward show I did. There was a decent size audience. I ended up not talking about 2 things and I didn't end well either and just got off the stage. I was probably not up there long. We were allotted 7 minutes.

The host was nice to me after it was done and told me to sign up again. This has never happened to me and I just don't know what happened. I'm really hoping it was just the energy work I did and I probably was better off staying home.

I got home and I felt so humiliated and had cried. I felt bad as well the next day and it might have been related to the energy work and not so much the show. This experience made me wonder if I'm just wasting my time doing stand up. I know I can be funny but I'm not feeling I'm clicking. But that could just take time to get good.

Job Want Ad

2010-11-03T12:03:00.001-04:00

Wanted: Employers who will not give me benefits. Who cares about having good teeth and having prescription drugs? Your health is not important and I want to be with an employer that gets this.

I don't want a job, I just want to be on contract because I love not being certain about my life and knowing if the next day I will have a job. Since I don't want to invest in my future and buy real estate and plan for my retirement and for my funeral, please don't give me job security. That's overrated. I want to fly by the seat of my pants and stress.

Please be the type of employer that keeps bad employees and let the good ones go. No company ever succeeded with smart and accurate employees. Companies always thrive when incompetent employees are the norm.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

2010-11-02T16:55:00.005-04:00

Greetings all,

I've been going to the library more often because I'm out of work. I mainly go to job search and so it gets me out the house. I used to go in the afternoon, but around 3pm, students come and it gets loud. I do not understand why people are allowed to be loud in the library. It's a library, it should be quiet. People should be whispering. It almost gets as loud as a mall!

In the morning it is quieter but sometimes people use the phone and make personal calls. One time one woman was talking to her computer. I think she was on skype or something. She looked crazy holding the computer up to her mouth. Last week, a woman was talking on her cell next to me. I was in a bad mood to begin with and had to complain to a staff member. She was talking at least for 20 minutes.

What is wrong with these people? Is it just this library? There is another library close by but I'd have to drive to it. This one is close to my apartment.

Is nothing sacred anymore???

One time I had my cell phone ring and I had some red neck get mad at me and a security guard came up to me and told me to turn it off. I didn't even talk to anyone.

As well, I live in an up-and-coming ghetto so there are some mentally disturbed people that occasionally make their presence known. I at least can understand if they talk but they still need to keep it down.

The security guards are useless here. Honestly why have them here if people can get away with being loud. It's time for me to complain!

Psychic Experience

2010-11-01T15:47:00.003-04:00

I had some weird psychic experience or something last night. My mom phones me today because they are thinking of letting my older brother move in with them because he's been on welfare and having a hard time finding work and got some part time work. hey The government is cutting his money back so he might not be able to pay rent and my parents might need to give him some money. They were giving him some money to cover rent before he got his part time job. My dad wants him to save money for a car as well since his car is over 10 years and probably does not have much left.

My mom called me to get my 2 cents. I don't get along with my brother much and he's been a problem for me at times and it's hard for me to not react to him. My dad and him don't get along sometimes which I think they should get counselling for. It was my dad's idea to have him move back. My parents had a rule that they would not let you move in once you moved out but I think considering what's going on economically, they might adapt for this.

My mom said last night my dad couldn't fall asleep because he was worried for my brother. For some reason last night as I was sleeping, I kept getting this image of my dad. I got some negative vibe from this image, like he was unwell or dying so having my mom tell me that he couldn't sleep was confirming that I had some psychic connection.

I had just said that it's up to them to decide. It's not any of my business. They should discuss things and discuss what's the maximum time he can stay. As well he should have some responsibility like doing dishes or something.

I prayer for my family as much as I can because I hate to see the suffering that's gone on so maybe this will be good for them. Who knows. I don't run the show.

Coffee Date

2010-10-30T12:32:00.002-04:00

Greetings all,

I went on a coffee date this Thursday with a guy. He called me Wednesday and he seemed decent and nice. The coffee date went okay. I didn't feel much chemistry but I would have given him another chance.

We exchanged a few messages as I had agreed to go out with him again since I'm willing to give someone 3 dates. He then suggests that he:
"would love to take a drive with you, go for a nice lunch, cuddle, hug and stuff."

WTF? Cuddle and stuff? So you buy me a coffee and now you think you are entitled to groping and touching me? Cuddle is just a female-friendly term for I want to make out with you and hopefully fuck you. I'm sorry but you just don't say that kind of stuff to a woman after the first date. You don't even say it. What kind of a hunter are you? If you plan on making the moves on a woman, you just don't tell her. Ever! You just do it.

The other problem was he was 38 and still living with his parents. His parents are Indian so I don't know how much an effect this had on him but he was born in Canada. He had a good job and his parents didn't need a caretaker so he had no excuse to be living with them. It's a big problem if you are over 30 and still living with your parents. You have to have a really good reason to be with them. I've been laid off twice after I moved out but I never went back to my parents. I didn't want to. It's wrong unless you are in school and needing to save money. Or are taking care of them. Again, there has to be a real legitimate reason to live with them. I think too you just don't learn full independence and I want a man who is self sufficient. I do not want a mama's boy. If you live with your parents, you just don't struggle as much because you know you have them to cushion you.

I emailed him back saying I wasn't comfortable being with someone who suggested to hug and cuddle and wished him good luck. He comes back saying it was just a suggestion and asks me what to do.

Some men just don't get it.

Wear Purple Campaign

2010-10-24T15:35:00.005-04:00

What currently seems to be popular on facebook is the event to wear purple to support the gays that commit suicide. I frankly don't support that cause. I'm all for gay rights but what I have a problem with is that tonnes of students experience trauma in high school and have to deal with the issue of not fitting in. A lot of students kill themselves, not just gays. I don't think it's an issue with being gay, although gays are at risk. It's a mental/emotional health issue.

I think if young gays are killing themselves, there's got to be more to the story. It's symptomatic of a deeper issue. No one just goes and kills themselves because they aren't fitting in. They do it either because they are in deep pain that may or may not be related to their sexuality or they don't really understand the consequence of taking their own life and do so to hurt others.

The fact is there are a lot of young people who hate themselves. Who hate life. Who hate their peers. They are gay and straight.

Maybe these gay teens have an unsupportive home life and their parents are the ones who have a problem with homosexuality.
Or maybe they have an undiagnosed mental illness and were already mentally/emotionally unstable

Here's one incident I read about that was one of the students that spawned this purple campaign:
The recent attention comes in the wake of nine recent suicides stemming from bullying, including Tyler Clementi, a Rudgers University freshman who jumped off the George Washington Bridge after his freshman roommate filmed him without permission having a "sexual encounter" in his dorm room and broadcast it over the Internet.

My take on this, is that this is certainly an ignorant way to handle this. I can imagine how humiliating this would feel but I wouldn't take my life over this. This incident probably has happened to straight students but maybe it's not as newsworthy as a gay person killing themself. Frankly this student could have sued them. It certainly makes me wonder why they thought killing themself would be a solution. Again, was this person stressed from school and this was just the last straw? It's not fair to assume the suicide is related to their sexuality.

I think I just don't support this cause because it doesn't talk about why this is going on. It's a fact that lots of teenagers commit suicide. It's not just gays.

Is this campaign about suicide? What is it really about?

Of course this is unfortunate that teens kill themselves and I sympathize, but why are they doing this? Is it the environment? Is it a mental/emotional problem they have?

Is this what we teach our children? That everytime there is a problem, we choose a colour and then get people to rally behind us? This isn't teaching anything.

As well, since I think this is more a mental health issue, what does wearing purple teach people? We should be educating people on how to handle their problems and how to deal with their anxiety, fear, anger and pain. Telling people to wear purple just lets them know that gays are dying but it's not a real solution

Gays are more at risk for committing suicide but it would make sense to educate them on dealing with their sexuality and what the social discrimination they will experience so that they can be prepared. I think it would be more practical to launch a campaign for this then some lame fashion campaign that really isn't going to empower the gay community.

I just think people support this campaign blindly and don't really think about the overall social pressures teens and young college/university students experience. As well we just don't teach people to be strong. We teach people to seek acceptance from material things and we don't teach them to love themselves. Maybe because we still don't know how.

As well there are plenty of gays that learn to deal with not fitting in and are happy and secure. Why don't we start focusing on the behaviours and mental attitudes of gays that succeed in life and are happy? I'm sure there are plenty who have faced social difficulties but they chose to make the best of things.

My final point is it doesn't matter if you are gay or straight or have a mental illness, you have to learn to stand up for yourself. You have to grow some balls in life and learn how to fight for yourself. Instead of getting people to change their clothes, why don't schools and parents teach their children empowerment classes? People need to learn that you're not always going to fit in, so it's more important to love yourself and not care what people think. Not everyone will like you and it doesn't matter your sexual orientation.

PS
Don't tell me that that I've proven this purple campaign succeeded because I've written about them. I'm just pointing out how short sighted I think it is. It certainly has some work if they want to take their work seriously.

First Impressions

2010-10-22T14:36:00.002-04:00

Greetings all,

I had met someone who said they were taking a communications course from Landmark. I believe I've heard some negative things about them but there seems to be some people who like them.

I met this person a few weeks ago but he was talking how in the communications course they ask you to ask people what their first impression of you is. There were 3 questions, which I couldn't remember. It is basically pointing out that your first impression of someone is right but for me and I think most people, my first impression is not accurate.

Sometimes I meet someone for the first time and I form no impression. Maybe on some unconscious level I do but I think it takes time to get to know someone. I'm generally a skeptical person.

There are people though, who I genuinely do not like initially and sometimes it never changes.

I think there is some truth to what your initial impression of someone is but I think it can limit you. Then you think you know all there is to know about the person. Then you don't bother getting to know them on a deeper level.

I read this article that mentions at the end that we stereotype people based on their physical features. I think this is true. I have an innocent looking face and look young for my age. I tend to be serious and not smile much, maybe as a way to look older?

I tend to take my first impression of people with a grain of salt. Sometimes I am right but I believe in giving people a chance.

Comedy Class and the Drama that Goes with it

2010-10-20T21:40:00.005-04:00

Greetings all,

I am taking a standup comedy workshop just for women. This is the 2nd level, which is basically identical to the first. I took it last year and one woman who was in my class last year is in this one. The woman who teaches it is a comedian so I don't really want to say anything negative about her especially if I have to ever work in the future with her. I have no intention of burning bridges.

There were a few females who are 24 in my class and it makes me feel really old because one of them is really outspoken and though she is probably really a decent human being underneath it all, I find she seems a little vapid and hostile. I don't know her well enough to say. She has a valley girl voice. One of the girls in the class is her roommate as I think they met earlier on this year at the first level and hit it off and decided to move in. Her friend said she was smart. I don't know if this is true or not. You know how dumb people say their friend is super smart but really it's relative to that person. But I don't think that the other female is stupid. I think calling this female super smart is a bit of a stretch.

Since I'm so smart, I think it's best if I decide whom I think is smart or not. So I'm giving this chick a chance. She's self publishing a book so I may be a little intrigued. It shows initiative, which I think is a sign of intelligence. However it is possible that this book sucks. She has said it's a collection of boyfriend stories and I guess guys she's dated.

I listened to her on a podcast for comedians, which now I am trying to get on since she was on it and I've been involved in standup a little bit longer and think I'm a little bit more funnier.

In the podcast there was a discussion on what is it like being a female comic and discussing if it is tougher. She said it was and I have to agree. I think you probably have to be better to get the same amount of respect a man innately gets on stage. She had said that she sometimes will say things randomly to shock people to get their attention. Since I haven't seen her perform, it makes me wonder if she's doing that because she doesn't have enough substance or charisma on stage. If anything it suggests to me that she's not confident in herself and is insecure. I don't think I've ever had to resort to throwing out random shock lines. I know I get laughs and maybe others get more laughs but I don't take the entitlement attitude with me. I get the laughs I get but I know this is something one has to persist in. And I am confident that I am funny. I may not be that great at writing standup but at least I am working towards it and am naturally funny.

My feelings are neutral on this young woman but we'll see what happens.

The other woman who was in my class last year is taking this 2nd level again for networking purposes. This basically means she is not willing to work hard in standup and is basically looking for someone's coat tails to ride. Or maybe she just wants to socialize with those in this scene.

She is a bit older and I think early 50s. In last year's class, I think out of the 8 of us performing, she was the least funniest. I was the funniest. There is a bit of drama going on with her and the teacher and it was really apparent on Monday's class. I had talked to her briefly about the class we had on Thanksgiving. There was only 3 of us that showed up. I took this class because I was curious as to what new stuff she would teach but it was basically the same stuff that she was teaching in the first level. I wasn't even sure if I got anything out of the 1st level. I had standup experience already when I took the first level. I had read books and a dvd program. I was just looking for a system that I can produce jokes but maybe that's just not going to work for me. I know about how to write jokes and about set ups and punchlines and act outs, etc but I was really wanting some method that works for me. The dvd I got had some useful techniques and the basic format for joke telling but the teacher's style was constricting to me.

Maybe I just have to create my own system of making jokes. I get ideas randomly and then jot them down. I probably need to rewrite most of my stuff but I hate that and it's work. But since I am an improviser, sometimes what I joke while performing can be written down so I need some system that is flexible. I did tape a few sets and have a digital recorder and maybe listening to that can help.

Anyways, I took the initial risk of starting to talk bad about the teacher. I was saying I wasn't sure if it's me that's getting annoyed at myself or I'm getting annoyed at the instructor. Either way, I was annoyed. This woman said she was feeling the same way. When I talked about my ideas, some of them weren't being taken to the direction I wanted to go in and standup is about self expression. I had coffee with some friends on Sunday and they gave me better direction for my joke. I think if anything, she probably needs to learn to teach better because it's really about us finding out the essence of what we are trying to say. Or to make us realize an idea or observation we have may not be suitable for a joke.

During the class the woman threw out a suggestion to someone's joke. It may not have been funny but the teacher was a little rude to her. But then the woman can play the child role and be helpless. So I think I see both sides of their drama and they both need to smarten up a little. If you're a teacher, you should have inexhaustible patience or you are in the wrong profession!

It's been an interesting but I think now I have officially decided I probably will not take any more. I don't think it's worth the price of admission.